Okay, for the sake of readability, I'm going to make each class it's own entry, and then when (if) I attend that class again, I'll just update that entry with the new day's notes.
Man, today was a long day. Great, but long. I forgot to pack a sandwich and all of my classes were at the farther end of campus where there were no food places, so all I ate all day was Fiber One bars. I am paying the price now, my stomach is killing me. I didn't want to sacrifice a class so I could sit alone somewhere and eat for an hour and a half. I'll come up with a better plan tomorrow.
On a positive note, I was quite proud of myself for not getting lost the whole day! I had to use the map, but I pretty much always knew where I was and how to get where I wanted to go. The only minor difficulties were when I forgot which building I was in and attempted to orient myself from the wrong place, and three times when there was a building in between me and the place I wanted to be, so I accidentally walked the longest way around. I walked around three sides of the Marriott Center before I got to the parking lot where my car was, and at the end of the day that is pure torture. Oh, and when I got there, I found the black, squishy banana that I meant to bring to supplement my Fiber One diet. If you ever want to speed-ripen a banana, leave it in the car on a 95+degree day. Just a little tip from me to you.
Enjoy the class notes, I'm almost intimidated by having three more days of this - I think my mind and body will both collapse by the end!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Watch Out - Here Comes Education Week
Maybe you didn't ask for this, but it's coming your way anyhow: a week of reports from this years Education Week at BYU! Today I attended, with my friend Rachel, from 8:30-4:05, and I ended up with 16 pages of notes from three classes. The first was 2 hours with Marie Ricks, teaching a fantastic class about Home Organization. Next was one hour from S. Michael Wilcox, about raising a generation that never falls away. Rachel's opinion: it was like Sunday School, mostly straight doctrine, not so much personality. (In fact, I think our Sunday School teacher is more interesting than this guy, I know Wilcox is a big name, but he didn't do it for me.) The last three hours were beyond-fantastic, a series of classes by Scott Anderson about the importance of relationships. Rachel isn't joining me for the rest of the week, but this class was sufficiently awesome that she doesn't think she'll miss much.
For you brave ones, here it is in all it's long, typo-ed glory. I expect those of you who finish the whole thing to brag about it in the comments!
Marie Ricks, Home Organization
Why do we arrive everywhere feeling flustered?
We have too much, do too much and spend too much.
If we will learn to be 10% more organized (2 seconds from a 20 second task) we will gain 90 minutes a day.
We need a marathon organization weekend.
Get rid of half of everything we personally own. Half of what we own is too big, too small, to ugly, to in disrepair. Less is always more.
We tend to be involved in an addiction - accumulation, acquire addiction
1. Get rid of half of your stuff.
2. Worm principle - dirt comes in, dirt goes out - nothing stays inside. Stay current. The lord will provide what you need in the future. What I need I will keep, what I don't need, I will share
1. If things are useful and needed I will keep it, up to 50%
2. If it is useful or not needed, give it away or throw away.
The gospel requires us not to bury our talent but to share it. We have homes so full of stuff that we don't use that we literally bury our head in our stuff. We must unvelcro ourselves from our stuff. There is power in getting rid of your things.
Kids - we must teach those we are with. When children have less they attach better. The lord does not desire us to be the trash can of the neighborhood. Wee keep just in case - we must have a limit of the things we keep "just in case" (one drawer of plastic bags, one small stack of empty cool whip containers.)
What about books? Give away half. Keep what's vital what's useful in our lives. We will be liberated. The lord can't bless us enough when we don't keep what we don't need.
We are the stewards, not the treasure house.
2 exceptions - photos, family history. Keep it until you can organize it and pass it on.
We will always be swimming upstream in our quest to be organized. Nature tends to be chaotic.
Personal bedroom, personal room must be cleaned first in order to function.
Office - put all paper in boxes on the floor so your desk is clean.
2. Then spend a month (or 12) going through the boxes. Then go on a paper fast. Only bring bills into your house, no magazines, no newspapers.
3. Only keep one month's ensign. If you haven't read it, say a guilty prayer of repentance then share it.
4. Group papers. Have a place for bills, for receipts. No longer come in the home and put things down, come in and put things away. Group like with like.
5. Discard whatever you don't need. Congregate and group so habits are firmly establish for retrieval. How do we put away things to make retrieving it easier?
Nothing in your closet but what you love, nothing on your desk but what you need.
Pray for skills and courage to share. It's hard to give away things, but the lord will help you.
The law of stewardship - we would do better now to share than to keep it just in case. We will have a renewed empowerment to enjoy life.
We collect or keep possessions because there is something on the other side of the wall of clutter that we don't want to address. The clutter does not help, it hinders. Empower yourself so you can better deal with the pain of your life.
Routines
Where can we multiply our tools so wee can function at a higher level. Look at how each routine in your life can be a pattern of progress. Routines should not be frustrating, sometimes they don't function. It's the little things that drive us nuts, those things need to change.
-For me, I need to change my morning routine.
Include in the order of your life to include journaling, scripture study, exercise, prayer. When we do it right, it always works better. What do I need to tweak in the morning routine so that the rest of my day goes smoother? Change 10% to save 90 minutes a day.
Organization in our callings
The lord gives us callings we don't like to prove how humorous he is. When you receive a new calling, accept it - it's the lord's next step in your life for growing, for healing. Never worry there's not enough time, the lord stretches you for it.
1. A binder - 10 dividers, what things are you going to look for regularly. A ward list, calendar, information. Pencil holder in front so you show up to meetings with the instruments to serve. Always date papers that come into your life so you know when the paper is obsolete. Organize so that if someone calls, you can answer the question easily.
Post it notes are convenient but deadly - things get written down then never get put where it needs to be.
Set up paperwork for our calling so we can set-up, record, retrieve, easily. If you have to keep obsolete papers, keep it in another binder.
Don't go to another calling meeting again without being fully prepared. Be orderly inside so you can serve better outside.
1. What questions need to be resolved, decisions to be made from those in the meeting?
2. What information are you lacking that you can get from the people at the meeting.
3. Go with the spirit of meeting assignments.
Always go to meetings early. Business is done in the 5 minutes before the meeting, so you are calm, so you are blessed, and settled in your mind. Being early when you are in a public setting will help you in your capacity to serve.
Don’t answer the phone 20 minutes before leaving the house, because important people always call right before. This way you can get places on time, you are in control, and you are organized and put together.
Order your life so you look the part. Dress one step higher than your mood and your need. Dress up. You have no idea how many people are watching you. You need to be composed and neatly dressed.
After the meeting, take the time to land. Put assignments on the calendar. Decide when you are going to do things. Put information into the places it needs to be.
paper is for remembering, the mind is for solving problems.
With kids, put the landing off until after the kids go to bed or whatever - a shelf just for things that haven't gotten taken care of.
How to delegate - let them know they will get a phone call halfway through, and then right before. Follow up more initially until you learn to trust, let them know you are a follow-upper until they are ready to fly. Schedule the calendar with your phone calls.
In our personal life, all of us want to save the world, feed the hungry, clothe the naked and we don't know how to do it. Choose one thing to do so you are doing something to learn, to save the world.
Marie Ricks, Hour 2
When we're looking at a home, we fool people - clean what most people will see most of the time. Reorganize, clean up and clean out. You have to have less to organize.
Walk through the home and see what furniture you can share. It isn’t worth saving for the next generation, if it's not being used, then share it. Get rid of things so you can make your house your home. Keep it as cluttered as the temple, or a church house. Keep tools, not trinkets, because they will help. It's not the wiping that bugs us; it’s the lifting up and putting back down.
We only need places to sit and some decorations. It's okay to collect but only if it's in a useful state. Don't bring stuff home to repair.
Start with big pieces (furniture) and get rid of things. Your environment needs to reveal your current needs, not your past and not your future. The lord will provide you with things in the future.
Move from acquiring a possession to acquiring an experience. Keep in your life what your season reflects.
Your collections should grow to the size of a reasonable display. Then new things come in, let old ones go.
Keep your paper current in your home, shred it or toss it.
Wastebasket situation - the more organized, the more wastebaskets there are in each room. If a trashcan is available, people tend to throw it away not throw it down. Make wastebaskets a top priority so the trash gets moved out.
Hogs - a person who brings home everything they come across. Collecting things is okay, but they can keep in a personal treasury, but beyond that they have to remove things for each new thing they bring home. Too much is too much.
If you have a collection that is past useful in size, take a year and bring it back to the size of normalcy. Sometimes it is not worth going through it, it is better just to share it and start over again. Assign a size/area, and then when it is full give away things as new ones are bought.
Garages - clean them out so there is room to organize and sort. Do you have the courage to bless someone's life with the things you need to share?
Whittle and weed with your children to bring the proportions down to reasonable size. A preschooler only needs 3 items of clothes. Remove opportunity for messes. Elementary, 5 items, high school 10 items (tops, 10 bottoms, 10 underwear and socks).
Help children share half of their things, day before birthday or Friday before thanksgiving.
If you love it, take lots of pictures and bury it the backyard, but there is great liberation in having less.
Doing small messes more often is better than doing big messes once in a while. Always be teaching the principles. Pick it up, don't pass it by. If it's yours always take it to a place of finish. If it's borrowed, return it.
Teach principle of finishing first in the bathroom - teach to close lid, then wipe down sink, then hang up towels, then put clothes in hamper. One skill at a time. Teach to finish, always be moving to a place of finish.
What tools can we use to deal with this paperwork? What systems can we use to deal with paperwork? Routines - when will paperwork be filed, bills be paid, etc. Employ a routine to deal with the paperwork.
Most women have forgotten the title of mother, instead of maid. We need to work ourselves out of a job, teach them train them, follow up, reward tem compliment them, make it part of living in the home. Train, counsel, support others.
Our house must be a temple. We can control the clutter. When we control that, we make our home a haven, we can better cope with pressures in our life.
Teach them to finish so housework, homework will be reduced by half.
Decide not to keep what you don't need even if you have room for it.
Have in your home things you want the savior to see, to sit down on. Move it to order and beauty will naturally follow.
Order in the family
The law of firsts - as you lay the foundation of your family, first, teach children to pray. Brings order to spiritual life. Personal prayer, then family.
Next, scriptures as part of their vocabulary. There is power in the scriptures in your children’s lives. You ordered your world to include scriptures.
Work with your children to regularly journal. Let them write what is in their heart. Teaches them to be grateful and to channel their prayers.
Monday night is fhe. This will order your life in the lord's way. Have it every single week.
1st Sunday is fast Sunday. Teach that to children who cannot fast, that we do it to be obedient.
Teach them the importance of temple attendance and attend regularly.
Do these things, even if you do it alone. Fast, attend temple, etc even if you don't have support f a spouse.
All family members must contribute to order in the home by having responsibilities. If you live in the house, you contribute to the house. Create an environment that work ethic is important. No one escapes, no one is a guest. Part of living and being happy is to work.
Service needs to be an ever-present part of their resume. Teach them to serve the sick (write a get well card) keeps them aware of others who might miss church.
Serve in family history. Maybe just a picture on the fridge or a story.
Straight service. Short, easy, anonymous. Pick up trash on the street; pick dandelions from the church, small things. You don't have to do everything, but you have to do something.
Food and home storage. Teach skills, learn to eat wheat, practice knots or whatever.
Work with children so that the bedroom that they live in becomes their mini-home and becomes something they are proud to live in. Help them to have a room that can be organized. Do they have tools to be organized? Do they have a system to keep it clean? Do they have a routine to keep their room organized?
Small incremental 10% improvement is all we need.
S. Michael Wilcox
The Rising Generation - Children who never fall away
The essence of celestial kingdom is relationships.
Passing on what we've learned to the next generation - how to raise children who never fall away. (Anti-nephi-lehis - whose children are the stripling warriors.)?
Use scriptures as parental counsel. God did not have success with all his children but he gave us lessons to help us.
Alma the younger as a father, lehi and Jacob and Abraham as fathers also.
Alma 35 - 9 chapters as a father, king Benjamin teaches his children before he teaches his people
Judges v8, 12 - Samson - asking the lord how to raise the child
Lecture on faith - stirred up the faith of multitudes to feel after god, to search after a knowledge of his attributes, until they became extensively acquainted with him, behold his glory, stand in his presence.
That's what we want for our children, to be extensively acquainted with god. That's what god wants from us, to stir up the faith of our children.
How do we do that? How do we stir up the faith of our child? Verse 56 of lecture on faith - it is human testimony that stirs up their minds, and the credence they gave to the testimony, inspired them to inquire after god and led to glorious discoveries and eternal certainty.
Testimony is the most important thing to give our children. They need to know what we know.
Nephi's greatest spiritual experience was his vision, which came because he asked to see what his father saw.
Jacob and enos - enos was hunting and was thinking about the words his father spake, and his soul hungered. He saw the joy of the saints, need to let our kids see the gospel is not a barbed wire fence keeping them from things they want, there's joy available. We give our kids thoughts that we float out on the water, but we want to give it weight so we often speak of these things, and the accumulation of things sinks deep in their heart.
Alma and Alma - he was in hell, and the teachings were there from his father so he knew whom to call on.
Stripling warriors and their parents - they did not doubt their mothers knew it. Not just taught it, but knew it.
Compare Alma the younger to David in o.t. - his problems with Bathsheba cripple him to his children, Alma can tell his children to repent as he did.
Alma 36 V2, 6 - do as I have done, as I have seen, as I do know, 29 - you ought (parent words) - teaching by example.
Child will walk in the footsteps of their father, if you want a child who is kind, be kind, if you want him to be patient, be patient.
If we teach a child to read but don't teach them how to choose good books, we've given Lucifer a weapon. Teach them to read the scriptures, read classics, read good books. Scriptures give them 6000 years of heroes to look towards. Alma 37 is power of the scriptures
1. Enlarge the memory - formerly called the book f remembrance - the things that god wants us to remember
2. Remember the error of their ways
3.
Mosiah ch 1 - Benjamin teaches his son the same things. Verse 2, taught them to read, to become men of understanding, 3, scriptures, otherwise suffers in ignorance
cs lewis suffered in grief from wife's death, had no knowledge of eternal families.
Scriptures described as a liahona, a sword, manna, a lamp
Don’t send your kids out into the wilderness without a compass, they will get lost. Life is a battle; don't send your kids out without a sword. Don't send your kids into the wilderness without manna; don't send them in the darkness without a lamp.
Poor Shiblon, the middle child - Helaman gets 2 chapters, Corianton gets 4, Shiblon gets 15 verses.
Chapter 38 is specific praise for specific things. He also lets his child know the joy that child brings. Validate experiences.
What do you do when you have to correct a child? Chapters 39-42 - great love, corrects doctrine because he knows doctrine
1.tell where they went wrong, what steps led up to the situation v.2 didn't give so much heed to my words
2.tell them the long and the short consequences of the action v.11, 13, 9, long term
3.tell them how to prevent the problem from reoccurring v.9 repent, forsake sins, take upon yourself to avoid sin
4. Always leave them with hope and forgiveness. v.19 preach coming of Christ, forgiveness
Scott Anderson Replenishing Relationships
We will retain our identity forever - wee get so caught up with the view of life from birth until now, instead of viewing ourselves as infinite, as eternal.
D&c 93:38 - every spirit was innocent
We were tempted in pre-mortal life; it was a war in heaven that's a strong word for what happened.
In premortality we
Had agency
Sinned
Progressed
Repented
Used the atonement
With all that, how much does your spirit know? It has already gone through all of that, we are more remarkable and experienced than we know. Elder oaks tells us we bring traces of our premortal selves
The adversary whispers in our ears n Nephi 28:20
He tells us how much of a failure you are
If the savior could stand in front of us, he would tell us how much he loves us and wants to bless us.
Alma the younger - what did the angel say to Alma? To this rebellious struggling young man, he said, remember how merciful god is, how much he blesses your family - he said remember.
We need to be able to receive what the lord wants to give us. Remembering is the first step. Moroni 10:3. It's hard to remember how merciful he's been this week, and we are supposed to remember his mercy through all of history. He keeps a tender mercies journal of the things that the lord has blessed him with. It's a way to remember.
Focus on a different blessing every day, so we can open a conduit to receive words of the lord.
Matthew 22:36-39
Love the lord thy god, love thy neighbor as thyself - this is the entire purpose of earth life, and it is all couched in relationships.
Moses 7 - the lord wanted us to love each other and to choose me, their father
Expectations
1 Nephi 8:4-12
lehi saw a dark and dreary waste, he saw a glorious being in white, he experiences the dreariness of mortal life - he was sent to the tree, which is Jesus Christ - there are some things we can never get from mortal relationships and if we need to get them from mortals we will always be disappointed.
2 Nephi 4:17-18 & 34 - only spiritually receptive people recognize their weaknesses, Nephi is the only one who calls himself a wretched man, not his wretched brothers.
Nephi went to the lord to make himself feel better, not his wife, it's not her job to make him happy, it's the lord.
Why does god love you? Not because you’re good, because he's good. We have the capacity to love like god, when they aren't meeting your needs anymore.
attitude is the symptom of what's the matter, laman even obeys, prays when things are good, when things are bad he melts into a puddle because he doesn’t know the mysteries of god. That's the real difference. Nephi could see god's hand in his life. He loves his brothers enough to still want to save them when they want to kill him. It isn't reciprocal love, he has the capacity to love as god does. Ch. 16 v 7 - check the footnote. The daughter of Ishmael.
Nephi talks about wading through affliction, verse 2, praises god for the blessings on him. The wife has milk for the baby, she is starting to stop complaining, he recognizes god's hand so he has a greater capacity to truly love.
lamoni kills people when they lose their sheep, after a week of preaching he tells his people he'll never do it again, it changed his capacity to love his people. They would not kill again because Jesus Christ changed them.
The sacrament is meant so that we can create a two-way covenant, we covenant and so does he - he's promising to be there for us, to help us, to give us capacity to love and to be a better parent.
Hour 2
Moses 7:26
oneness
3 Nephi 19:22-23
john 17:20-21
genesis 2:24-25
what does a perfect resurrected person pray for? Us. That he can give us his oneness, we can be one with him.
Adam and eve were commanded to be one with each other.
Truth can make us free, if we live truth, we receive light. That is the point of intelligence, the glory of god is intelligence or in other words light and truth d&c 93:36,37
someday you will be coupled with eternal joy, which you do not now enjoy.
Dc 93:39 - Satan takes away light and truth because of disobedience and traditions of our fathers.
Dc 123:7 - adversary's goal is to destroy your relationships with god, extended family (angels), ourselves, spouses, children - god takes creeds and rivets them on their hearts, Satan wants to separate us from all of these. because of this, the world is filled with confusion, growing stronger and stronger, is the mainspring of all corruption, whole earth groans under the weight of its iniquity.
The adversary wants to separate us from each other, is trying to destroy relationships on the earth.
Mosiah 26:22-4
what's harmony? Blending extreme differences, not being the same. It's not being in unison, harmony creates depth, richness.
Mosiah 26:2-4
did not believe
could not understand or feel
would not behave
we try to change the behavior, not the way we believe, understand or feel
we can change behavior faster by studying doctrine than by studying behavior.
If we are blocked from understanding or feeling, we are blocked from revelation. We will see differently, feel differently, and then our behavior is easier to change.
This is Alma the younger. He s unconscious to show that all he changed was his beliefs, not his behavior. The tragedy of Alma was not his behavior, it is the beliefs about himself that led to the behavior.
can you believe you are hopeless if you honestly believe that Jesus Christ will make your weaknesses your strengths? If you believe in the atonement, you can't be hopeless.
Alma’s belief changes by these steps: Alma 36:11-21
recognize the false belief
examine its influence
find a true belief to replace it
seek spiritual help
apply the new belief
we have creeds riveted on our hearts that limits us in our capacity to receive. Jesus Christ is able to unrivet false beliefs and make us whole.
happy couples make differences their strengths. The hardest parts of a relationship might be very close to a point of great growth.
You don't have to believe the same, you just have to understand. It opens you up, broadens you.
Communication and loving behavior, both high. Communication without loving behavior is no good - loving behavior is the most important thing.
favorite marriage scripture 2 Nephi 2:11 - opposition in all things
oneness can't happen without the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost knows our spouse perfectly and knows us perfectly and can bridge the two people.
we judge each other’s behavior by our own beliefs. We aren't ever right when we do that. The pattern is we describe what we think it means, and the misunderstanding continues.
dealing with differences
3 Nephi 14:1-2 judge not that ye be not judged - (3 Nephi 11-13 relationship with god)
one of the most challenging ideas, to not judge someone from our own beliefs - we need the holy ghost to help, we need to ask "what does that mean to you"
seek first to understand, then to be understood
3 Nephi 14:3-5 here's how to do it - before you correct anybody, look at yourself first and make sure you know what you're really seeing
conversation inviting change
1. define the problem without blame, unified front, Satan wants to divide us, make us correct people
2. Each partner shares what he/she is doing to maintain the problem
3. Each partner suggests something he/she could do to improve the problem. When you first work on issues, don't elaborate on the other person's problems.
4. Implement and evaluate
we can't be responsible to remove all the negative from each other’s life. As soon as we get the answers life changes. We can be in charge of the positive. 5 positives for every negative to keep the balance in a relationship. We can put positive in our relationship.
Give the perfect gift for the one receiving it. The lord will help us give each other meaningful relationship gifts that are right for the person who receives it.
What if we kept a tender mercies journal about each child, or their spouse, how that person has blessed them that day.
Hour 3
d&c 25 - what delights his soul
d&c 19 - Christ’s role - I will suffer for you, all you need to do is change and I will do the rest. I will make a covenant with you as long as you know
d&c 18:10 worth of souls, determined by price that was paid for it. How great was his joy when you accept it, plus we get joy when we bring others.
he weaves our lives together so that we can have joy together. The only way we can all benefit from each other's spiritual gift if we share it with each other.
D&c 45 -
1 Nephi 22:26 - through righteousness, bind Satan
1 Nephi 14:12 - church is all over the earth v 14 - power of god descends on church, the power is his capacity to love
children express their most difficult emotion to their safest relationship. Who else absorbed pain and grief and gave love back? Who else took upon himself the role to be giver of peace, transmitter of love? We take upon us the opportunity to show Christ like love. We aren't failures if our children have been angry with us. Alma the elder mosiah 26:15-20 - god comforts Alma while he is struggling with a wayward son.
For you brave ones, here it is in all it's long, typo-ed glory. I expect those of you who finish the whole thing to brag about it in the comments!
Marie Ricks, Home Organization
Why do we arrive everywhere feeling flustered?
We have too much, do too much and spend too much.
If we will learn to be 10% more organized (2 seconds from a 20 second task) we will gain 90 minutes a day.
We need a marathon organization weekend.
Get rid of half of everything we personally own. Half of what we own is too big, too small, to ugly, to in disrepair. Less is always more.
We tend to be involved in an addiction - accumulation, acquire addiction
1. Get rid of half of your stuff.
2. Worm principle - dirt comes in, dirt goes out - nothing stays inside. Stay current. The lord will provide what you need in the future. What I need I will keep, what I don't need, I will share
1. If things are useful and needed I will keep it, up to 50%
2. If it is useful or not needed, give it away or throw away.
The gospel requires us not to bury our talent but to share it. We have homes so full of stuff that we don't use that we literally bury our head in our stuff. We must unvelcro ourselves from our stuff. There is power in getting rid of your things.
Kids - we must teach those we are with. When children have less they attach better. The lord does not desire us to be the trash can of the neighborhood. Wee keep just in case - we must have a limit of the things we keep "just in case" (one drawer of plastic bags, one small stack of empty cool whip containers.)
What about books? Give away half. Keep what's vital what's useful in our lives. We will be liberated. The lord can't bless us enough when we don't keep what we don't need.
We are the stewards, not the treasure house.
2 exceptions - photos, family history. Keep it until you can organize it and pass it on.
We will always be swimming upstream in our quest to be organized. Nature tends to be chaotic.
Personal bedroom, personal room must be cleaned first in order to function.
Office - put all paper in boxes on the floor so your desk is clean.
2. Then spend a month (or 12) going through the boxes. Then go on a paper fast. Only bring bills into your house, no magazines, no newspapers.
3. Only keep one month's ensign. If you haven't read it, say a guilty prayer of repentance then share it.
4. Group papers. Have a place for bills, for receipts. No longer come in the home and put things down, come in and put things away. Group like with like.
5. Discard whatever you don't need. Congregate and group so habits are firmly establish for retrieval. How do we put away things to make retrieving it easier?
Nothing in your closet but what you love, nothing on your desk but what you need.
Pray for skills and courage to share. It's hard to give away things, but the lord will help you.
The law of stewardship - we would do better now to share than to keep it just in case. We will have a renewed empowerment to enjoy life.
We collect or keep possessions because there is something on the other side of the wall of clutter that we don't want to address. The clutter does not help, it hinders. Empower yourself so you can better deal with the pain of your life.
Routines
Where can we multiply our tools so wee can function at a higher level. Look at how each routine in your life can be a pattern of progress. Routines should not be frustrating, sometimes they don't function. It's the little things that drive us nuts, those things need to change.
-For me, I need to change my morning routine.
Include in the order of your life to include journaling, scripture study, exercise, prayer. When we do it right, it always works better. What do I need to tweak in the morning routine so that the rest of my day goes smoother? Change 10% to save 90 minutes a day.
Organization in our callings
The lord gives us callings we don't like to prove how humorous he is. When you receive a new calling, accept it - it's the lord's next step in your life for growing, for healing. Never worry there's not enough time, the lord stretches you for it.
1. A binder - 10 dividers, what things are you going to look for regularly. A ward list, calendar, information. Pencil holder in front so you show up to meetings with the instruments to serve. Always date papers that come into your life so you know when the paper is obsolete. Organize so that if someone calls, you can answer the question easily.
Post it notes are convenient but deadly - things get written down then never get put where it needs to be.
Set up paperwork for our calling so we can set-up, record, retrieve, easily. If you have to keep obsolete papers, keep it in another binder.
Don't go to another calling meeting again without being fully prepared. Be orderly inside so you can serve better outside.
1. What questions need to be resolved, decisions to be made from those in the meeting?
2. What information are you lacking that you can get from the people at the meeting.
3. Go with the spirit of meeting assignments.
Always go to meetings early. Business is done in the 5 minutes before the meeting, so you are calm, so you are blessed, and settled in your mind. Being early when you are in a public setting will help you in your capacity to serve.
Don’t answer the phone 20 minutes before leaving the house, because important people always call right before. This way you can get places on time, you are in control, and you are organized and put together.
Order your life so you look the part. Dress one step higher than your mood and your need. Dress up. You have no idea how many people are watching you. You need to be composed and neatly dressed.
After the meeting, take the time to land. Put assignments on the calendar. Decide when you are going to do things. Put information into the places it needs to be.
paper is for remembering, the mind is for solving problems.
With kids, put the landing off until after the kids go to bed or whatever - a shelf just for things that haven't gotten taken care of.
How to delegate - let them know they will get a phone call halfway through, and then right before. Follow up more initially until you learn to trust, let them know you are a follow-upper until they are ready to fly. Schedule the calendar with your phone calls.
In our personal life, all of us want to save the world, feed the hungry, clothe the naked and we don't know how to do it. Choose one thing to do so you are doing something to learn, to save the world.
Marie Ricks, Hour 2
When we're looking at a home, we fool people - clean what most people will see most of the time. Reorganize, clean up and clean out. You have to have less to organize.
Walk through the home and see what furniture you can share. It isn’t worth saving for the next generation, if it's not being used, then share it. Get rid of things so you can make your house your home. Keep it as cluttered as the temple, or a church house. Keep tools, not trinkets, because they will help. It's not the wiping that bugs us; it’s the lifting up and putting back down.
We only need places to sit and some decorations. It's okay to collect but only if it's in a useful state. Don't bring stuff home to repair.
Start with big pieces (furniture) and get rid of things. Your environment needs to reveal your current needs, not your past and not your future. The lord will provide you with things in the future.
Move from acquiring a possession to acquiring an experience. Keep in your life what your season reflects.
Your collections should grow to the size of a reasonable display. Then new things come in, let old ones go.
Keep your paper current in your home, shred it or toss it.
Wastebasket situation - the more organized, the more wastebaskets there are in each room. If a trashcan is available, people tend to throw it away not throw it down. Make wastebaskets a top priority so the trash gets moved out.
Hogs - a person who brings home everything they come across. Collecting things is okay, but they can keep in a personal treasury, but beyond that they have to remove things for each new thing they bring home. Too much is too much.
If you have a collection that is past useful in size, take a year and bring it back to the size of normalcy. Sometimes it is not worth going through it, it is better just to share it and start over again. Assign a size/area, and then when it is full give away things as new ones are bought.
Garages - clean them out so there is room to organize and sort. Do you have the courage to bless someone's life with the things you need to share?
Whittle and weed with your children to bring the proportions down to reasonable size. A preschooler only needs 3 items of clothes. Remove opportunity for messes. Elementary, 5 items, high school 10 items (tops, 10 bottoms, 10 underwear and socks).
Help children share half of their things, day before birthday or Friday before thanksgiving.
If you love it, take lots of pictures and bury it the backyard, but there is great liberation in having less.
Doing small messes more often is better than doing big messes once in a while. Always be teaching the principles. Pick it up, don't pass it by. If it's yours always take it to a place of finish. If it's borrowed, return it.
Teach principle of finishing first in the bathroom - teach to close lid, then wipe down sink, then hang up towels, then put clothes in hamper. One skill at a time. Teach to finish, always be moving to a place of finish.
What tools can we use to deal with this paperwork? What systems can we use to deal with paperwork? Routines - when will paperwork be filed, bills be paid, etc. Employ a routine to deal with the paperwork.
Most women have forgotten the title of mother, instead of maid. We need to work ourselves out of a job, teach them train them, follow up, reward tem compliment them, make it part of living in the home. Train, counsel, support others.
Our house must be a temple. We can control the clutter. When we control that, we make our home a haven, we can better cope with pressures in our life.
Teach them to finish so housework, homework will be reduced by half.
Decide not to keep what you don't need even if you have room for it.
Have in your home things you want the savior to see, to sit down on. Move it to order and beauty will naturally follow.
Order in the family
The law of firsts - as you lay the foundation of your family, first, teach children to pray. Brings order to spiritual life. Personal prayer, then family.
Next, scriptures as part of their vocabulary. There is power in the scriptures in your children’s lives. You ordered your world to include scriptures.
Work with your children to regularly journal. Let them write what is in their heart. Teaches them to be grateful and to channel their prayers.
Monday night is fhe. This will order your life in the lord's way. Have it every single week.
1st Sunday is fast Sunday. Teach that to children who cannot fast, that we do it to be obedient.
Teach them the importance of temple attendance and attend regularly.
Do these things, even if you do it alone. Fast, attend temple, etc even if you don't have support f a spouse.
All family members must contribute to order in the home by having responsibilities. If you live in the house, you contribute to the house. Create an environment that work ethic is important. No one escapes, no one is a guest. Part of living and being happy is to work.
Service needs to be an ever-present part of their resume. Teach them to serve the sick (write a get well card) keeps them aware of others who might miss church.
Serve in family history. Maybe just a picture on the fridge or a story.
Straight service. Short, easy, anonymous. Pick up trash on the street; pick dandelions from the church, small things. You don't have to do everything, but you have to do something.
Food and home storage. Teach skills, learn to eat wheat, practice knots or whatever.
Work with children so that the bedroom that they live in becomes their mini-home and becomes something they are proud to live in. Help them to have a room that can be organized. Do they have tools to be organized? Do they have a system to keep it clean? Do they have a routine to keep their room organized?
Small incremental 10% improvement is all we need.
S. Michael Wilcox
The Rising Generation - Children who never fall away
The essence of celestial kingdom is relationships.
Passing on what we've learned to the next generation - how to raise children who never fall away. (Anti-nephi-lehis - whose children are the stripling warriors.)?
Use scriptures as parental counsel. God did not have success with all his children but he gave us lessons to help us.
Alma the younger as a father, lehi and Jacob and Abraham as fathers also.
Alma 35 - 9 chapters as a father, king Benjamin teaches his children before he teaches his people
Judges v8, 12 - Samson - asking the lord how to raise the child
Lecture on faith - stirred up the faith of multitudes to feel after god, to search after a knowledge of his attributes, until they became extensively acquainted with him, behold his glory, stand in his presence.
That's what we want for our children, to be extensively acquainted with god. That's what god wants from us, to stir up the faith of our children.
How do we do that? How do we stir up the faith of our child? Verse 56 of lecture on faith - it is human testimony that stirs up their minds, and the credence they gave to the testimony, inspired them to inquire after god and led to glorious discoveries and eternal certainty.
Testimony is the most important thing to give our children. They need to know what we know.
Nephi's greatest spiritual experience was his vision, which came because he asked to see what his father saw.
Jacob and enos - enos was hunting and was thinking about the words his father spake, and his soul hungered. He saw the joy of the saints, need to let our kids see the gospel is not a barbed wire fence keeping them from things they want, there's joy available. We give our kids thoughts that we float out on the water, but we want to give it weight so we often speak of these things, and the accumulation of things sinks deep in their heart.
Alma and Alma - he was in hell, and the teachings were there from his father so he knew whom to call on.
Stripling warriors and their parents - they did not doubt their mothers knew it. Not just taught it, but knew it.
Compare Alma the younger to David in o.t. - his problems with Bathsheba cripple him to his children, Alma can tell his children to repent as he did.
Alma 36 V2, 6 - do as I have done, as I have seen, as I do know, 29 - you ought (parent words) - teaching by example.
Child will walk in the footsteps of their father, if you want a child who is kind, be kind, if you want him to be patient, be patient.
If we teach a child to read but don't teach them how to choose good books, we've given Lucifer a weapon. Teach them to read the scriptures, read classics, read good books. Scriptures give them 6000 years of heroes to look towards. Alma 37 is power of the scriptures
1. Enlarge the memory - formerly called the book f remembrance - the things that god wants us to remember
2. Remember the error of their ways
3.
Mosiah ch 1 - Benjamin teaches his son the same things. Verse 2, taught them to read, to become men of understanding, 3, scriptures, otherwise suffers in ignorance
cs lewis suffered in grief from wife's death, had no knowledge of eternal families.
Scriptures described as a liahona, a sword, manna, a lamp
Don’t send your kids out into the wilderness without a compass, they will get lost. Life is a battle; don't send your kids out without a sword. Don't send your kids into the wilderness without manna; don't send them in the darkness without a lamp.
Poor Shiblon, the middle child - Helaman gets 2 chapters, Corianton gets 4, Shiblon gets 15 verses.
Chapter 38 is specific praise for specific things. He also lets his child know the joy that child brings. Validate experiences.
What do you do when you have to correct a child? Chapters 39-42 - great love, corrects doctrine because he knows doctrine
1.tell where they went wrong, what steps led up to the situation v.2 didn't give so much heed to my words
2.tell them the long and the short consequences of the action v.11, 13, 9, long term
3.tell them how to prevent the problem from reoccurring v.9 repent, forsake sins, take upon yourself to avoid sin
4. Always leave them with hope and forgiveness. v.19 preach coming of Christ, forgiveness
Scott Anderson Replenishing Relationships
We will retain our identity forever - wee get so caught up with the view of life from birth until now, instead of viewing ourselves as infinite, as eternal.
D&c 93:38 - every spirit was innocent
We were tempted in pre-mortal life; it was a war in heaven that's a strong word for what happened.
In premortality we
Had agency
Sinned
Progressed
Repented
Used the atonement
With all that, how much does your spirit know? It has already gone through all of that, we are more remarkable and experienced than we know. Elder oaks tells us we bring traces of our premortal selves
The adversary whispers in our ears n Nephi 28:20
He tells us how much of a failure you are
If the savior could stand in front of us, he would tell us how much he loves us and wants to bless us.
Alma the younger - what did the angel say to Alma? To this rebellious struggling young man, he said, remember how merciful god is, how much he blesses your family - he said remember.
We need to be able to receive what the lord wants to give us. Remembering is the first step. Moroni 10:3. It's hard to remember how merciful he's been this week, and we are supposed to remember his mercy through all of history. He keeps a tender mercies journal of the things that the lord has blessed him with. It's a way to remember.
Focus on a different blessing every day, so we can open a conduit to receive words of the lord.
Matthew 22:36-39
Love the lord thy god, love thy neighbor as thyself - this is the entire purpose of earth life, and it is all couched in relationships.
Moses 7 - the lord wanted us to love each other and to choose me, their father
Expectations
1 Nephi 8:4-12
lehi saw a dark and dreary waste, he saw a glorious being in white, he experiences the dreariness of mortal life - he was sent to the tree, which is Jesus Christ - there are some things we can never get from mortal relationships and if we need to get them from mortals we will always be disappointed.
2 Nephi 4:17-18 & 34 - only spiritually receptive people recognize their weaknesses, Nephi is the only one who calls himself a wretched man, not his wretched brothers.
Nephi went to the lord to make himself feel better, not his wife, it's not her job to make him happy, it's the lord.
Why does god love you? Not because you’re good, because he's good. We have the capacity to love like god, when they aren't meeting your needs anymore.
attitude is the symptom of what's the matter, laman even obeys, prays when things are good, when things are bad he melts into a puddle because he doesn’t know the mysteries of god. That's the real difference. Nephi could see god's hand in his life. He loves his brothers enough to still want to save them when they want to kill him. It isn't reciprocal love, he has the capacity to love as god does. Ch. 16 v 7 - check the footnote. The daughter of Ishmael.
Nephi talks about wading through affliction, verse 2, praises god for the blessings on him. The wife has milk for the baby, she is starting to stop complaining, he recognizes god's hand so he has a greater capacity to truly love.
lamoni kills people when they lose their sheep, after a week of preaching he tells his people he'll never do it again, it changed his capacity to love his people. They would not kill again because Jesus Christ changed them.
The sacrament is meant so that we can create a two-way covenant, we covenant and so does he - he's promising to be there for us, to help us, to give us capacity to love and to be a better parent.
Hour 2
Moses 7:26
oneness
3 Nephi 19:22-23
john 17:20-21
genesis 2:24-25
what does a perfect resurrected person pray for? Us. That he can give us his oneness, we can be one with him.
Adam and eve were commanded to be one with each other.
Truth can make us free, if we live truth, we receive light. That is the point of intelligence, the glory of god is intelligence or in other words light and truth d&c 93:36,37
someday you will be coupled with eternal joy, which you do not now enjoy.
Dc 93:39 - Satan takes away light and truth because of disobedience and traditions of our fathers.
Dc 123:7 - adversary's goal is to destroy your relationships with god, extended family (angels), ourselves, spouses, children - god takes creeds and rivets them on their hearts, Satan wants to separate us from all of these. because of this, the world is filled with confusion, growing stronger and stronger, is the mainspring of all corruption, whole earth groans under the weight of its iniquity.
The adversary wants to separate us from each other, is trying to destroy relationships on the earth.
Mosiah 26:22-4
what's harmony? Blending extreme differences, not being the same. It's not being in unison, harmony creates depth, richness.
Mosiah 26:2-4
did not believe
could not understand or feel
would not behave
we try to change the behavior, not the way we believe, understand or feel
we can change behavior faster by studying doctrine than by studying behavior.
If we are blocked from understanding or feeling, we are blocked from revelation. We will see differently, feel differently, and then our behavior is easier to change.
This is Alma the younger. He s unconscious to show that all he changed was his beliefs, not his behavior. The tragedy of Alma was not his behavior, it is the beliefs about himself that led to the behavior.
can you believe you are hopeless if you honestly believe that Jesus Christ will make your weaknesses your strengths? If you believe in the atonement, you can't be hopeless.
Alma’s belief changes by these steps: Alma 36:11-21
recognize the false belief
examine its influence
find a true belief to replace it
seek spiritual help
apply the new belief
we have creeds riveted on our hearts that limits us in our capacity to receive. Jesus Christ is able to unrivet false beliefs and make us whole.
happy couples make differences their strengths. The hardest parts of a relationship might be very close to a point of great growth.
You don't have to believe the same, you just have to understand. It opens you up, broadens you.
Communication and loving behavior, both high. Communication without loving behavior is no good - loving behavior is the most important thing.
favorite marriage scripture 2 Nephi 2:11 - opposition in all things
oneness can't happen without the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost knows our spouse perfectly and knows us perfectly and can bridge the two people.
we judge each other’s behavior by our own beliefs. We aren't ever right when we do that. The pattern is we describe what we think it means, and the misunderstanding continues.
dealing with differences
3 Nephi 14:1-2 judge not that ye be not judged - (3 Nephi 11-13 relationship with god)
one of the most challenging ideas, to not judge someone from our own beliefs - we need the holy ghost to help, we need to ask "what does that mean to you"
seek first to understand, then to be understood
3 Nephi 14:3-5 here's how to do it - before you correct anybody, look at yourself first and make sure you know what you're really seeing
conversation inviting change
1. define the problem without blame, unified front, Satan wants to divide us, make us correct people
2. Each partner shares what he/she is doing to maintain the problem
3. Each partner suggests something he/she could do to improve the problem. When you first work on issues, don't elaborate on the other person's problems.
4. Implement and evaluate
we can't be responsible to remove all the negative from each other’s life. As soon as we get the answers life changes. We can be in charge of the positive. 5 positives for every negative to keep the balance in a relationship. We can put positive in our relationship.
Give the perfect gift for the one receiving it. The lord will help us give each other meaningful relationship gifts that are right for the person who receives it.
What if we kept a tender mercies journal about each child, or their spouse, how that person has blessed them that day.
Hour 3
d&c 25 - what delights his soul
d&c 19 - Christ’s role - I will suffer for you, all you need to do is change and I will do the rest. I will make a covenant with you as long as you know
d&c 18:10 worth of souls, determined by price that was paid for it. How great was his joy when you accept it, plus we get joy when we bring others.
he weaves our lives together so that we can have joy together. The only way we can all benefit from each other's spiritual gift if we share it with each other.
D&c 45 -
1 Nephi 22:26 - through righteousness, bind Satan
1 Nephi 14:12 - church is all over the earth v 14 - power of god descends on church, the power is his capacity to love
children express their most difficult emotion to their safest relationship. Who else absorbed pain and grief and gave love back? Who else took upon himself the role to be giver of peace, transmitter of love? We take upon us the opportunity to show Christ like love. We aren't failures if our children have been angry with us. Alma the elder mosiah 26:15-20 - god comforts Alma while he is struggling with a wayward son.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Inertia
So I was pondering some theories of physics today and - No, okay, I can't possibly make myself sound that smart. In reality, I have been all but glued to the couch recently, due to an unexpected influx of great new books, and now that I've finished them I find that it's hard to get moving again. It reminds me of what Mr. Durkin, my high school physics teacher, taught me - a body at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force.
I'm thinking the outside force that gets me moving again is going to be the new school year, because laundry sure isn't doing it.
Adding to my sloth this week is an overriding feeling of boredom. There's nothing going on, nothing coming up, no big trips or family visiting or special occasions or anything to look forward to. And nothing around the house seems pressing either - to be perfectly honest, house cleaning has always felt like busywork to me. Something you're assigned to do to fill time but that doesn't mean anything. Cleaning (beyond our nightly/Saturday scheduled cleaning) is never going to get me moving.
I tend towards boredom frequently, which I'm just now noticing about myself. I hate boredom to an extent that only my children could rival. In fact, when I laugh at them through gritted teeth on the first day of summer vacation for announcing their boredom, what I'm really saying is Join the club! Or possibly, Welcome to my world, friend, where we get to be at home all day and wonder if there is more to life than putting away your shoes and breaking up arguments over Lego Star Wars.
Everyone handles boredom differently. When Brad is bored, he either watches tv or he eats. I try to call him on this, so he can notice that he's not really hungry, he's just bored, a skill that I haven't yet mastered. When Noah is bored, he picks fights. He will purposely do stuff to annoy his brothers, to the point of minor violence, just to entertain himself. If the family is watching a movie together, he's the one jumping on the couch or rolling on the floor or otherwise making the rest of us crazy. (He's largely outgrown the movie thing, but the tendency is still there in everyday situations.) Zack and Darcey don't seem to get bored yet. Zack is pretty content to find himself something to do, and Darcey just putters around the house, getting into kitchen drawers or the bathroom or, her favorite, the shoe closet.
When I'm bored, I get antsy. I think I do a little of all of those things my kids do: I eat, I watch tv, I whine a lot, I wander the house feeling bereft of hope that anything fun will ever happen again.
My main goal is boredom prevention. I think it might be my overriding goal for my daily life. How can I get through today and not go stark raving mad from boredom? I have lots of tactics. School is my first line of defense. It gives me goals, small things to achieve every week, bigger-picture things to work towards, and a feeling, when I'm sitting on the couch looking for something to watch other than a Cosby Show rerun, that there's always something I should be working on. It keeps me productive and busy, and that makes me happy.
Projects are another strategy I use frequently. Ryan used to be baffled by my constant picking up of a new craft or hobby, only to abandon it later for a different one, and then be picked up again two years later. I cycle through projects constantly, and there's usually something I'm working on. I've done cross-stitching, crocheting, knitting, quilting, photography, sewing, and a very ugly bout of decoupage, which I doubt will be revisited. I also enjoy card-making (but not card-sending) and in the past I've done a ton of scrapbooking. I will go through organizational phases, where no closet in my house is safe from my wrath. Cooking is a hobby, unless it is cancelled out by the hobby of being on a diet, which is probably my least favorite hobby of all.
I rarely leave the house without one or more things to occupy any free second of time I might encounter. I am waiting for Apple to create an iPod chip that can be inserted under my skin, with controls built into my arm so that I can't possibly forget to bring it with me somewhere. Maybe I could have one implanted, you know, like a pacemaker. My iPod is my $300 binky, my digital security blanket, the thing that the Linus in me drags around everywhere just to make me feel good. I like knowing that, should the need arise, I could instantly fill my downtime with an audiobook, a podcast, some music, a video, or a game. Oh, the freedom of it!
The gym is one of those places where boredom hits me hard right between the eyes. I can't look at a treadmill without dread, and the ipod isn't enough for me there. I need my ipod for some ear-drum shattering music, a magazine to read (and to cover the timer on the machine), and a tv to watch while I read the subtitles. And that is still barely enough to keep me occupied, although I'm not sure what it would take to keep me truly entertained on a treadmill: a live acrobatic show? Trained monkeys performing stunts? Someone handing me dollar bills for every minute I keep walking? Yeah, that one would do it, but I can't imagine how much that gym would charge.
I hit a patch of boredom today that I should have been prepared for, but wasn't. I met my friend Michelle at the Lehi pool to take our kids swimming. Being around friends is the number one way for me to be not bored, so I had an ipod with me for the car, but I rejected the idea of bringing any number of other things with me - the book I was almost done with, my waterproof ipod case (for listening in the pool), today's crossword puzzle from the paper. Literally thought of bringing those things, but, in a spirit of trying to break myself of packing half my house everywhere I go, I left them all. Which turned out to be a mistake because Darcey, who had skipped a nap, lasted hours longer than I expected her to, and Michelle had to leave at 3:30.
Man, did I regret packing light after that. I was good for about the first five minutes alone, trying to think about people watching or just, I don't know, thinking. It didn't work. By 4:00 I was trying to figure out how quickly I could convince the kids to leave, although they were having so much fun that I knew that would be wrong. So I stayed and sat and stared at people and thought about stupid things and when I checked the clock again it was like 4:15. Argh! This is why I put a magazine over the time on the treadmill! By 4:30 I was tired of trying to stop Darcey from licking water off of the ground around the pool, and put her in her stroller where she promptly fell asleep. That at least freed me from the water, but made me regret more than ever not having a book, or a notebook to write in, or my Palm. Curse me for cleaning out my purse before we left! I had a sudden brainstorm and realized that the two foot long receipt from Albertsons was completely blank on the back, perfect for jotting notes about how miserable I was for a new blog entry. I had no sooner uncapped the pen than Zack appeared, shivering, and asked to go home. Which I had been longing for, but still ended up frustrated because I finally came up with something to do that would stop me from being bored!
So the truth is out - I'm no better than my kids. I have better coping mechanisms than they do, and I'd like to think that I might be slightly less annoying on the whiny-ness scale. Why do I hate boredom so much? A therapist would probably say I'm afraid of what I'd think about if there wasn't something constantly going on. But I've listened to the stuff rattling around my head, and frankly, it's not too interesting. I'm looking forward to school starting again, to jump start me out of my boring funk, to kick my resting body off the couch, to have inertia work for me rather than against me. Because after all, a body in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force. Thanks, Mr. Durkin, turns out I learned something after all.
I'm thinking the outside force that gets me moving again is going to be the new school year, because laundry sure isn't doing it.
Adding to my sloth this week is an overriding feeling of boredom. There's nothing going on, nothing coming up, no big trips or family visiting or special occasions or anything to look forward to. And nothing around the house seems pressing either - to be perfectly honest, house cleaning has always felt like busywork to me. Something you're assigned to do to fill time but that doesn't mean anything. Cleaning (beyond our nightly/Saturday scheduled cleaning) is never going to get me moving.
I tend towards boredom frequently, which I'm just now noticing about myself. I hate boredom to an extent that only my children could rival. In fact, when I laugh at them through gritted teeth on the first day of summer vacation for announcing their boredom, what I'm really saying is Join the club! Or possibly, Welcome to my world, friend, where we get to be at home all day and wonder if there is more to life than putting away your shoes and breaking up arguments over Lego Star Wars.
Everyone handles boredom differently. When Brad is bored, he either watches tv or he eats. I try to call him on this, so he can notice that he's not really hungry, he's just bored, a skill that I haven't yet mastered. When Noah is bored, he picks fights. He will purposely do stuff to annoy his brothers, to the point of minor violence, just to entertain himself. If the family is watching a movie together, he's the one jumping on the couch or rolling on the floor or otherwise making the rest of us crazy. (He's largely outgrown the movie thing, but the tendency is still there in everyday situations.) Zack and Darcey don't seem to get bored yet. Zack is pretty content to find himself something to do, and Darcey just putters around the house, getting into kitchen drawers or the bathroom or, her favorite, the shoe closet.
When I'm bored, I get antsy. I think I do a little of all of those things my kids do: I eat, I watch tv, I whine a lot, I wander the house feeling bereft of hope that anything fun will ever happen again.
My main goal is boredom prevention. I think it might be my overriding goal for my daily life. How can I get through today and not go stark raving mad from boredom? I have lots of tactics. School is my first line of defense. It gives me goals, small things to achieve every week, bigger-picture things to work towards, and a feeling, when I'm sitting on the couch looking for something to watch other than a Cosby Show rerun, that there's always something I should be working on. It keeps me productive and busy, and that makes me happy.
Projects are another strategy I use frequently. Ryan used to be baffled by my constant picking up of a new craft or hobby, only to abandon it later for a different one, and then be picked up again two years later. I cycle through projects constantly, and there's usually something I'm working on. I've done cross-stitching, crocheting, knitting, quilting, photography, sewing, and a very ugly bout of decoupage, which I doubt will be revisited. I also enjoy card-making (but not card-sending) and in the past I've done a ton of scrapbooking. I will go through organizational phases, where no closet in my house is safe from my wrath. Cooking is a hobby, unless it is cancelled out by the hobby of being on a diet, which is probably my least favorite hobby of all.
I rarely leave the house without one or more things to occupy any free second of time I might encounter. I am waiting for Apple to create an iPod chip that can be inserted under my skin, with controls built into my arm so that I can't possibly forget to bring it with me somewhere. Maybe I could have one implanted, you know, like a pacemaker. My iPod is my $300 binky, my digital security blanket, the thing that the Linus in me drags around everywhere just to make me feel good. I like knowing that, should the need arise, I could instantly fill my downtime with an audiobook, a podcast, some music, a video, or a game. Oh, the freedom of it!
The gym is one of those places where boredom hits me hard right between the eyes. I can't look at a treadmill without dread, and the ipod isn't enough for me there. I need my ipod for some ear-drum shattering music, a magazine to read (and to cover the timer on the machine), and a tv to watch while I read the subtitles. And that is still barely enough to keep me occupied, although I'm not sure what it would take to keep me truly entertained on a treadmill: a live acrobatic show? Trained monkeys performing stunts? Someone handing me dollar bills for every minute I keep walking? Yeah, that one would do it, but I can't imagine how much that gym would charge.
I hit a patch of boredom today that I should have been prepared for, but wasn't. I met my friend Michelle at the Lehi pool to take our kids swimming. Being around friends is the number one way for me to be not bored, so I had an ipod with me for the car, but I rejected the idea of bringing any number of other things with me - the book I was almost done with, my waterproof ipod case (for listening in the pool), today's crossword puzzle from the paper. Literally thought of bringing those things, but, in a spirit of trying to break myself of packing half my house everywhere I go, I left them all. Which turned out to be a mistake because Darcey, who had skipped a nap, lasted hours longer than I expected her to, and Michelle had to leave at 3:30.
Man, did I regret packing light after that. I was good for about the first five minutes alone, trying to think about people watching or just, I don't know, thinking. It didn't work. By 4:00 I was trying to figure out how quickly I could convince the kids to leave, although they were having so much fun that I knew that would be wrong. So I stayed and sat and stared at people and thought about stupid things and when I checked the clock again it was like 4:15. Argh! This is why I put a magazine over the time on the treadmill! By 4:30 I was tired of trying to stop Darcey from licking water off of the ground around the pool, and put her in her stroller where she promptly fell asleep. That at least freed me from the water, but made me regret more than ever not having a book, or a notebook to write in, or my Palm. Curse me for cleaning out my purse before we left! I had a sudden brainstorm and realized that the two foot long receipt from Albertsons was completely blank on the back, perfect for jotting notes about how miserable I was for a new blog entry. I had no sooner uncapped the pen than Zack appeared, shivering, and asked to go home. Which I had been longing for, but still ended up frustrated because I finally came up with something to do that would stop me from being bored!
So the truth is out - I'm no better than my kids. I have better coping mechanisms than they do, and I'd like to think that I might be slightly less annoying on the whiny-ness scale. Why do I hate boredom so much? A therapist would probably say I'm afraid of what I'd think about if there wasn't something constantly going on. But I've listened to the stuff rattling around my head, and frankly, it's not too interesting. I'm looking forward to school starting again, to jump start me out of my boring funk, to kick my resting body off the couch, to have inertia work for me rather than against me. Because after all, a body in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force. Thanks, Mr. Durkin, turns out I learned something after all.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The 31-Year-Old Teenager
On Friday night, I went back in time and got to re-experience what it was like to be a teenager. Which meant that I stayed up ridiculously late in order to do something of negligible amusement, surrounded by a thousand people who would periodically scream for no reason.
Turns out, I'm too old for that.
As pretty much every sentient being in the known universe knows, the last book in Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series came out on Friday night. And that is why I found myself at Borders with my friend Sylvia, standing in line for our copies at the midnight release party. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We both love the books, we both had passionate (though opposing) points of view for our favorite characters, and we both knew that our normal lives would screech to a halt when the latest book, "Breaking Dawn" came out, doing nothing but reading until we finished it. So it was a no-brainer to be in line to buy it at midnight when it came out.
But once we got there, Sylvia and I both realized that we were a little out of our element. The crowds were massive - literally hundreds of people were milling around. Some wore costumes, more wore t-shirts proclaiming their allegiance to either Edward (the vampire) or Jacob (the werewolf) in as clever a way as possible. I had neither a costume nor a t-shirt, not wanting to put my lack of wit and creativity on display. (I tried to brainstorm clever t-shirt sayings with Ryan, but he was no help. The only one he jokingly suggested was "Long Live Dumbledore." He is soooo unhip.) The winning t-shirt in the t-shirt contest was "I already know how the book ends. -Alice" Which is super clever, to fans anyway.
Sylvia had pre-ordered the book, so she got a numbered wristband which, unbeknownst to us, they had started handing out at 9 a.m. All the real teenagers knew this, and had started standing in line THE NIGHT BEFORE, and consequently we ended up as number 895 in line that night. We were herded out of the store and into the parking lot where we were loosely organized into groups of 200, then told to line ourselves up in order of our numbered bands. So we found the 800-1,000 group, parked ourselves roughly in the middle, and sat down. That was around 11:30.
The thing I hadn't taken into account when I agreed to this little evening out was just exactly how long it would take for the 894 people in line in front of us to pay for their books and move along. Here's how long: hours. By 12:30 they had numbers 1-400 inside the store, but the line in the store wrapped all the way around the perimeter, so just being in the building meant little. By 1:00 a.m. I was wondering if there were lines like this at the 24-hour Walmart, or if we could just walk in and buy the book. By 1:30 I was ready to stretch out on the asphalt and try to get some sleep. We finally bought the books at 2:15.
Which brings me to my point: I'm not as young as I used to be. I remember the days when "sleep" and "schedule" wouldn't even make sense if used in the same sentence. When I was 18, I came home from a party at 4 a.m., then drove 2 hours to Irvine Meadows Amphitheater in order to get a free KROQ t-shirt, then ended up at an all-day singles ward activity. Man, was I proud of myself - that seemed like such a cool thing to do. Looking at it from this side of 30, all I can think was, "What a stupid waste of time! Why not get some sleep and then pay $10 for the shirt at some decent hour instead?"
It's not just a stamina thing, it's a change in thinking. There's more logic in my brain now then there used to be, as I'm sitting on the ground in a parking lot trying to figure out why I wasn't at home asleep and buying the book in the morning, when I'd actually be awake to read it. The teenager in me was thinking, "It's not about convenient shopping hours, it's about the experience! The party! The crowds! The energy! Living in the moment!" Ryan's had the same change in thinking. His moment of enlightenment came when he realized that there is no need to fight the crowds and stand in line to watch a movie on opening night, when the SAME EXACT MOVIE would be playing every night for the next four weeks.
Overall, though, I'm glad I went. It was fun to hang out with Sylvia, who had brought a deck of cards and we played Egyptian War and talked about the other things that we'll probably never do again now that we aren't teenagers. For me, it was never going to another concert where I spend more time dancing than sitting, for her it was never being in another mosh pit. She had brought both Twizzlers and Red Vines to snack on, because most people have as strong a preference for one over the other as the fans at Borders have for Edward vs. Jacob. (FYI - I prefer Twizzlers and Jacob, though not together.) Plus, neither of us had our kids with us, which pretty much guarantees an enjoyable evening. The weather was nice and warm, there was live music and lots of time to just relax.
And, naturally, when I got the book home, I couldn't put it down - I ended up reading a hundred pages in an hour, completely enthralled by the story and only going to bed because the adult in me had to instill some sort of discipline on the teenager in me. I went to bed at 3:30, but the teenager in me was dragging her feet the whole time, totally willing to stay up all night on one giant reading binge that I would absolutely enjoy at the time but would probably regret in the morning. And even tonight, I am having a hard time going to sleep with the last 225 pages still unread.
Now that I've unleashed the teenager in me, where will it lead? Will I go back to middle of the night Slurpee runs and hanging out at the mall and absolute disregard for circadian rhythms? I doubt it, but I also don't think I'm quite ready for orthotic shoes and buying elastic waist pants from mail order catalogs either. I think I'll stick with doing things that are slightly ridiculous and occasionally challenge logic, throwing caution and healthy sleep patterns to the wind. Occasionally. With lots of naps afterwards. After all, you're only young once.
Turns out, I'm too old for that.
As pretty much every sentient being in the known universe knows, the last book in Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series came out on Friday night. And that is why I found myself at Borders with my friend Sylvia, standing in line for our copies at the midnight release party. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We both love the books, we both had passionate (though opposing) points of view for our favorite characters, and we both knew that our normal lives would screech to a halt when the latest book, "Breaking Dawn" came out, doing nothing but reading until we finished it. So it was a no-brainer to be in line to buy it at midnight when it came out.
But once we got there, Sylvia and I both realized that we were a little out of our element. The crowds were massive - literally hundreds of people were milling around. Some wore costumes, more wore t-shirts proclaiming their allegiance to either Edward (the vampire) or Jacob (the werewolf) in as clever a way as possible. I had neither a costume nor a t-shirt, not wanting to put my lack of wit and creativity on display. (I tried to brainstorm clever t-shirt sayings with Ryan, but he was no help. The only one he jokingly suggested was "Long Live Dumbledore." He is soooo unhip.) The winning t-shirt in the t-shirt contest was "I already know how the book ends. -Alice" Which is super clever, to fans anyway.
Sylvia had pre-ordered the book, so she got a numbered wristband which, unbeknownst to us, they had started handing out at 9 a.m. All the real teenagers knew this, and had started standing in line THE NIGHT BEFORE, and consequently we ended up as number 895 in line that night. We were herded out of the store and into the parking lot where we were loosely organized into groups of 200, then told to line ourselves up in order of our numbered bands. So we found the 800-1,000 group, parked ourselves roughly in the middle, and sat down. That was around 11:30.
The thing I hadn't taken into account when I agreed to this little evening out was just exactly how long it would take for the 894 people in line in front of us to pay for their books and move along. Here's how long: hours. By 12:30 they had numbers 1-400 inside the store, but the line in the store wrapped all the way around the perimeter, so just being in the building meant little. By 1:00 a.m. I was wondering if there were lines like this at the 24-hour Walmart, or if we could just walk in and buy the book. By 1:30 I was ready to stretch out on the asphalt and try to get some sleep. We finally bought the books at 2:15.
Which brings me to my point: I'm not as young as I used to be. I remember the days when "sleep" and "schedule" wouldn't even make sense if used in the same sentence. When I was 18, I came home from a party at 4 a.m., then drove 2 hours to Irvine Meadows Amphitheater in order to get a free KROQ t-shirt, then ended up at an all-day singles ward activity. Man, was I proud of myself - that seemed like such a cool thing to do. Looking at it from this side of 30, all I can think was, "What a stupid waste of time! Why not get some sleep and then pay $10 for the shirt at some decent hour instead?"
It's not just a stamina thing, it's a change in thinking. There's more logic in my brain now then there used to be, as I'm sitting on the ground in a parking lot trying to figure out why I wasn't at home asleep and buying the book in the morning, when I'd actually be awake to read it. The teenager in me was thinking, "It's not about convenient shopping hours, it's about the experience! The party! The crowds! The energy! Living in the moment!" Ryan's had the same change in thinking. His moment of enlightenment came when he realized that there is no need to fight the crowds and stand in line to watch a movie on opening night, when the SAME EXACT MOVIE would be playing every night for the next four weeks.
Overall, though, I'm glad I went. It was fun to hang out with Sylvia, who had brought a deck of cards and we played Egyptian War and talked about the other things that we'll probably never do again now that we aren't teenagers. For me, it was never going to another concert where I spend more time dancing than sitting, for her it was never being in another mosh pit. She had brought both Twizzlers and Red Vines to snack on, because most people have as strong a preference for one over the other as the fans at Borders have for Edward vs. Jacob. (FYI - I prefer Twizzlers and Jacob, though not together.) Plus, neither of us had our kids with us, which pretty much guarantees an enjoyable evening. The weather was nice and warm, there was live music and lots of time to just relax.
And, naturally, when I got the book home, I couldn't put it down - I ended up reading a hundred pages in an hour, completely enthralled by the story and only going to bed because the adult in me had to instill some sort of discipline on the teenager in me. I went to bed at 3:30, but the teenager in me was dragging her feet the whole time, totally willing to stay up all night on one giant reading binge that I would absolutely enjoy at the time but would probably regret in the morning. And even tonight, I am having a hard time going to sleep with the last 225 pages still unread.
Now that I've unleashed the teenager in me, where will it lead? Will I go back to middle of the night Slurpee runs and hanging out at the mall and absolute disregard for circadian rhythms? I doubt it, but I also don't think I'm quite ready for orthotic shoes and buying elastic waist pants from mail order catalogs either. I think I'll stick with doing things that are slightly ridiculous and occasionally challenge logic, throwing caution and healthy sleep patterns to the wind. Occasionally. With lots of naps afterwards. After all, you're only young once.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Public Speaking
Darcey turns 14 months in two days, and she is starting to attempt a step or two on her own. She isn't saying any words yet, not like her friend/rival Olivia who is two months younger and already has quite the little vocabulary (that's okay, Darcey could totally take her on physically - she's waaay better at standing up). Darcey says something that sounds like "tickle tickle" but it's random and not usually related to a tickling incident. Two women who were playing with her in church swear up and down that Darcey said "pretty" when they put a ribbon on her head, but those results have yet to be replicated. Besides, how can she say "pretty" or "tickle" when she's not saying "hi" or "mama" yet?
It doesn't matter really, because Zack does enough talking for both of them. Seriously, I don't need a fourth talking child because my ears are ready to bleed from listening to the first three yap constantly. Not Brad, so much - he's already beginning the tween/teen withdrawal so that whenever he wants to talk, I want to listen. Noah is at that great age where he is saying insightful and interesting things. But Zack, well, he's just killing me a little more each day.
Some things that he says are hilarious. He has no inhibitions and doesn't get embarrassed so he'll say some bizarre, random things. He'll see a stranger walking down the sidewalk and from across the street he'll shout, "Hey! What's your name?" He gets words wrong, like pronouncing licorice "snick-orice." And he can be tender, like when he told his swim teacher that she had the sweetest swim suit. He's hit the joke-telling phase, which is funny only in the absolute stupidity of the jokes he makes up. For example: How does a cow touch a hand? It eats it! (followed by screams of laughter and six more jokes about cows eating various objects including arms, houses, and trees.)
Other things he says are less hilarious and more grating. His recent addition to his lexicon is "I can't do it" and its many variations. It has to be said in a long, drawn-out whine, so that the whole phrase takes 15 seconds or so to get out. I could count the hours I've spent listening to "I can't do it" and the corollary "It's too hard." He spent his thirty minute swim lesson repeating those two phrases over and over while he did every single thing the instructor told him to do. I finally told him that he had to start saying "It's too easy" instead of "it's too hard" for the sole purpose of my entertainment. It makes me giggle to hear the whiny "it's too easy" - but don't feel sorry for him, that may have just saved his life.
Today in particular he Mommed me to death. Every single phrase, sentence, question, thought, whine, comment to come out of his mouth started with "Mom?" and then a pause while he waited for me to acknowledge him. And if I didn't acknowledge him quickly enough, he'd repeat it - "Mom?" pause "Mom?" Sometimes he wouldn't hear me so it would go like this: "Mom?" "What?" "Mom?" "What??" "Mom?" "WHAT!!!" It's the Chinese Water Torture all over again, I'm strapped to a chair and getting "Mom?"s plunked on my forehead until I am ready to spill my secrets just so long as they will STOP SAYING MOM!!!
I finally lost it today when Zack had spent the better part of ten minutes downstairs at the computer, calling "Mom?" up to me in the living room, where I was on the phone, which I mentioned to him more than once in increasingly aggravated tones. He was oblivious, though, and just kept repeating "Mom? Mom? Mo-o-o-o-o-m? Hey Mom! MOM! Mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom! Mom? Mom? Mom!!" The rest of the afternoon was no better, and at dinnertime I finally declared, "Don't say Mom anymore! You are not allowed to call me Mom! Got it?" I doubt he got it.
He's asleep now, the picture of beauty and childhood innocence. One day he isn't going to want to acknowledge that I'm even related to him, let alone his mother, so I ought to be patient and count my blessings. But for now, the only thing I'm counting is the number of days before I've got one more kid chanting "mom" at me. Maybe this is one contest I'll let Olivia win.
It doesn't matter really, because Zack does enough talking for both of them. Seriously, I don't need a fourth talking child because my ears are ready to bleed from listening to the first three yap constantly. Not Brad, so much - he's already beginning the tween/teen withdrawal so that whenever he wants to talk, I want to listen. Noah is at that great age where he is saying insightful and interesting things. But Zack, well, he's just killing me a little more each day.
Some things that he says are hilarious. He has no inhibitions and doesn't get embarrassed so he'll say some bizarre, random things. He'll see a stranger walking down the sidewalk and from across the street he'll shout, "Hey! What's your name?" He gets words wrong, like pronouncing licorice "snick-orice." And he can be tender, like when he told his swim teacher that she had the sweetest swim suit. He's hit the joke-telling phase, which is funny only in the absolute stupidity of the jokes he makes up. For example: How does a cow touch a hand? It eats it! (followed by screams of laughter and six more jokes about cows eating various objects including arms, houses, and trees.)
Other things he says are less hilarious and more grating. His recent addition to his lexicon is "I can't do it" and its many variations. It has to be said in a long, drawn-out whine, so that the whole phrase takes 15 seconds or so to get out. I could count the hours I've spent listening to "I can't do it" and the corollary "It's too hard." He spent his thirty minute swim lesson repeating those two phrases over and over while he did every single thing the instructor told him to do. I finally told him that he had to start saying "It's too easy" instead of "it's too hard" for the sole purpose of my entertainment. It makes me giggle to hear the whiny "it's too easy" - but don't feel sorry for him, that may have just saved his life.
Today in particular he Mommed me to death. Every single phrase, sentence, question, thought, whine, comment to come out of his mouth started with "Mom?" and then a pause while he waited for me to acknowledge him. And if I didn't acknowledge him quickly enough, he'd repeat it - "Mom?" pause "Mom?" Sometimes he wouldn't hear me so it would go like this: "Mom?" "What?" "Mom?" "What??" "Mom?" "WHAT!!!" It's the Chinese Water Torture all over again, I'm strapped to a chair and getting "Mom?"s plunked on my forehead until I am ready to spill my secrets just so long as they will STOP SAYING MOM!!!
I finally lost it today when Zack had spent the better part of ten minutes downstairs at the computer, calling "Mom?" up to me in the living room, where I was on the phone, which I mentioned to him more than once in increasingly aggravated tones. He was oblivious, though, and just kept repeating "Mom? Mom? Mo-o-o-o-o-m? Hey Mom! MOM! Mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom! Mom? Mom? Mom!!" The rest of the afternoon was no better, and at dinnertime I finally declared, "Don't say Mom anymore! You are not allowed to call me Mom! Got it?" I doubt he got it.
He's asleep now, the picture of beauty and childhood innocence. One day he isn't going to want to acknowledge that I'm even related to him, let alone his mother, so I ought to be patient and count my blessings. But for now, the only thing I'm counting is the number of days before I've got one more kid chanting "mom" at me. Maybe this is one contest I'll let Olivia win.
Monday, July 28, 2008
A Moratorium
Watching my kids on allowance day is both amusing and so, so painful. The money doesn't just burn a hole in their pocket, it sets their pants on fire and the only place to extinguish the blaze is Wal-Mart. It's as if they have a physical aversion to money, a money allergy, so that as soon as they get any money at all they need to spend it to avoid breaking out in a rash.
Allowance has been a minor source of contention between Ryan and myself, until he decided to wave the white flag and let me have my way. His opinion had been: why should we just hand kids money for no reason? They should have to work for the money. For me, I had some experience with that plan as a child, when my mom attempted to institute a pay-for-performance system with my brothers and myself. In theory it works, but in practice there came a point very early on when I realized, Hey - I'd rather not have money than have to mop the kitchen floor for 50 cents.
So the plan that we came up with is this. Chores are mandatory and unpaid, it is just part of being in our family. Separately, the kids are given an allowance equal to their age on the 1st and 15th of the month. The idea is that they can get their hands on money early on, so that they can have experience spending, saving for bigger things, making mistakes while they're young and the cost won't be so high. Also, they won't have to ask for candy/toys/gum/trinkets every single solitary time I go to the store, because they have money and the ability to buy what they want.
In reality, though, all they seem to be experiencing is the momentary thrill of buying a new widget and then spending the next two weeks broke. There is no saving going on. There is no budgeting, no looking at the bigger picture. Only instant pleasure, in the form of Lemonheads and water balloons and keychain video games. They aren't even paying tithing, which I am loathe to mandate, only gently suggest every allowance day as I hand them their money.
To be fair, though, this is stuff that is hard for adults, too. Ryan and I recently decided that we had had enough fun for a while (i.e. trip to Europe) and that we needed to reinstate a spending moratorium. Our first moratorium came after we remodeled the kitchen, a painfully expensive process that left me never wanting to spend money again. The moratorium worked well for us that first time, because we agreed that we wouldn't make any largish purchases until some date several months later. It was nice, actually, because there were no spur-of-the-moments spending sprees that we regretted later - we knew we had lots of time to plan exactly what we wanted to spend our money on. Which ended up being the trip to Europe (instead of Lasik, a second car, new appliances, etc.)
We declared the second moratorium a couple of weeks ago. And then I found a killer deal on a almost-brand-new leather sectional on craigslist that I ended up getting for $700. So we reaffirmed the moratorium, and today woke up to a leak in our ceiling from the swamp cooler, which we've spent hundreds of dollars to fix every year since we bought the house and still never cools us off enough. And the dryer is making a new buzzing noise that mostly stops if I bang it, and the fridge emits a high-pitched whine that almost drowns out the high-pitched whine of the downstairs computer.
What makes us any different from the kids, blowing through their allowance like it's going out of style? I'll tell you:
1) Wal-Mart is the kids' shopping Mecca, but Ryan and I aren't content to spend every single penny there.
2) The boys only deal with a rather miniscule amount of money - $7 for Noah and now $11 for Brad, every two weeks. To them, $1,000 is more money than they could ever imagine spending. To us, it's not even enough for both a washer AND a dryer.
3) If the boys blow every penny at Wal-Mart, they just have to bide their time until another magical handout shows up. For us, there is a definite work-pay link.
4) If we run out of cash, Ryan and I have credit cards, so the spending can go on for a long, long time. I won't lend the boys any money, nor will I advance their allowance even a single day. They can't get into as much spending trouble as Ryan and I can.
To the untrained eye, it looks like the apple isn't falling far from the tree. And I have to ask myself if we don't do a pretty bad job of showing the kids the reality of our financial situation - we do save money, we prioritize what we buy and try to spend money only on our priorities, we don't go into debt, we put off our wants (second car) in favor of our needs (new furnace). We're planning on having a series of Family Home Evening lessons on personal finances, since it doesn't look like they will naturally learn any financial lessons just because they have money. After all, it doesn't work like that with the rest of America - plenty of adults have money and absolutely no common sense. We're going to have to work hard to get our kids there.
But right now, Brad has $50 in birthday money that he absolutely, positively cannot wait to spend, right this very second. If we don't get to Wal-Mart soon, I think the money in his pocket is going to spontaneously combust.
Allowance has been a minor source of contention between Ryan and myself, until he decided to wave the white flag and let me have my way. His opinion had been: why should we just hand kids money for no reason? They should have to work for the money. For me, I had some experience with that plan as a child, when my mom attempted to institute a pay-for-performance system with my brothers and myself. In theory it works, but in practice there came a point very early on when I realized, Hey - I'd rather not have money than have to mop the kitchen floor for 50 cents.
So the plan that we came up with is this. Chores are mandatory and unpaid, it is just part of being in our family. Separately, the kids are given an allowance equal to their age on the 1st and 15th of the month. The idea is that they can get their hands on money early on, so that they can have experience spending, saving for bigger things, making mistakes while they're young and the cost won't be so high. Also, they won't have to ask for candy/toys/gum/trinkets every single solitary time I go to the store, because they have money and the ability to buy what they want.
In reality, though, all they seem to be experiencing is the momentary thrill of buying a new widget and then spending the next two weeks broke. There is no saving going on. There is no budgeting, no looking at the bigger picture. Only instant pleasure, in the form of Lemonheads and water balloons and keychain video games. They aren't even paying tithing, which I am loathe to mandate, only gently suggest every allowance day as I hand them their money.
To be fair, though, this is stuff that is hard for adults, too. Ryan and I recently decided that we had had enough fun for a while (i.e. trip to Europe) and that we needed to reinstate a spending moratorium. Our first moratorium came after we remodeled the kitchen, a painfully expensive process that left me never wanting to spend money again. The moratorium worked well for us that first time, because we agreed that we wouldn't make any largish purchases until some date several months later. It was nice, actually, because there were no spur-of-the-moments spending sprees that we regretted later - we knew we had lots of time to plan exactly what we wanted to spend our money on. Which ended up being the trip to Europe (instead of Lasik, a second car, new appliances, etc.)
We declared the second moratorium a couple of weeks ago. And then I found a killer deal on a almost-brand-new leather sectional on craigslist that I ended up getting for $700. So we reaffirmed the moratorium, and today woke up to a leak in our ceiling from the swamp cooler, which we've spent hundreds of dollars to fix every year since we bought the house and still never cools us off enough. And the dryer is making a new buzzing noise that mostly stops if I bang it, and the fridge emits a high-pitched whine that almost drowns out the high-pitched whine of the downstairs computer.
What makes us any different from the kids, blowing through their allowance like it's going out of style? I'll tell you:
1) Wal-Mart is the kids' shopping Mecca, but Ryan and I aren't content to spend every single penny there.
2) The boys only deal with a rather miniscule amount of money - $7 for Noah and now $11 for Brad, every two weeks. To them, $1,000 is more money than they could ever imagine spending. To us, it's not even enough for both a washer AND a dryer.
3) If the boys blow every penny at Wal-Mart, they just have to bide their time until another magical handout shows up. For us, there is a definite work-pay link.
4) If we run out of cash, Ryan and I have credit cards, so the spending can go on for a long, long time. I won't lend the boys any money, nor will I advance their allowance even a single day. They can't get into as much spending trouble as Ryan and I can.
To the untrained eye, it looks like the apple isn't falling far from the tree. And I have to ask myself if we don't do a pretty bad job of showing the kids the reality of our financial situation - we do save money, we prioritize what we buy and try to spend money only on our priorities, we don't go into debt, we put off our wants (second car) in favor of our needs (new furnace). We're planning on having a series of Family Home Evening lessons on personal finances, since it doesn't look like they will naturally learn any financial lessons just because they have money. After all, it doesn't work like that with the rest of America - plenty of adults have money and absolutely no common sense. We're going to have to work hard to get our kids there.
But right now, Brad has $50 in birthday money that he absolutely, positively cannot wait to spend, right this very second. If we don't get to Wal-Mart soon, I think the money in his pocket is going to spontaneously combust.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
My Guilty Pleasure
I'm almost finished reading (listening to, actually) a fabulous book called "Beautiful Boy," a true story of a father watching his son deal with a meth addiction. It is riveting to watch this boy's life implode while his parents ask themselves what more they could possibly do to save his life. The pain his parents feel is so powerful, and I have spent many hours while listening to this book picturing my children in their son's place. The boy was only 12 when he first tried pot. It's a terrifying thought.
I love the adventures that books provide. I love not knowing where the story is going to take you, not knowing where your heart is going to end up when you attach it to a character and follow him around, feeling what he does. I love exploring the choices that other people make - having the wonderful ability to disagree with every move the character makes, then having to see the results of those choices, but not having to live with it myself. It's like getting to live extra lives without the burden of really living them, or of any metaphysical reincarnation stuff. I can only imagine that being reincarnated would be a time-consuming way to experience more of life. Book are the cliff's notes version.
I've always been a reader. My earliest reading memory would be The Bath Book, where I infamously (in my family at least) misread "Otter" and the story became: "Elders don't take baths in water, they just play and fish there." I was the nerd on the playground that would rather read than play. I remember sitting on top of a piece of equipment reading Bridge to Terabithia, one of my favorite books of my childhood. My dad was no help in the "how to be a reader but still be cool" department. He would bring a paperback book with him to Wet 'N Wild, a Florida waterpark, read while standing in line, then leave the book at the bottom of the stairs and pick it up when he came off the slide. To this day that sounds like a genius plan if I ever heard one, but registers on the "things that could get you beat up" scale.
No, reading did not make me cool, but I had friends and wasn't a complete loser. Being an adult means that I finally, finally, am not judged by my skill (or lack thereof) in gym class, and being a reader is an asset, not a liability. Sadly, though, being an adult means that there is not nearly as much time to read. I have to do all those adulty things, like paying bills, and doing laundry, and scrubbing the bathtub.
About four years ago, my dad introduced me to audiobooks, which is how us nerds can take something ubercool like an ipod and reduce it to nothing more than a convenient book-carrier. Not to sound melodramatic, but audiobooks have changed my life. I no longer have to decide whether we are going to have clean clothes to wear or if I'm going to polish off a novel - now I could do both! I love that I can multi-task, do the horrible, boring things that make the label "housewife" strike such dread in my heart, but still listen to a great novel, or biography, or history book, or whatever happens to be on my ipod that day. I love the efficiency of the whole thing so much that I've all but stopped reading books on paper (analog, my brother Drew calls them). For years now, my books have all been audio, and my reading has been in conjunction with accomplishing household tasks.
Yesterday, I happened to stumble across the perfect storm of reading opportunities. Ryan was in bed, sick with what might be the Parisian Death Virus starting a second round, so I led the boys in our Saturday morning cleaning ritual. On my way to the baptism of our next-door neighbor Ashley, another neighbor returned "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer, a book on paper that I had bought but hadn't found time to read yet. When we got home, with the boys outside playing and Darcey and Ryan down for naps, I sat on the couch for the first time in ages and read a book.
It was like giving a dying man in the desert a long drink of water. If the man didn't know how thirsty he was. Okay, better analogy: it was like breathing again after holding your breath for a really long time. No, this is the best one: It's like eating a fantastic meal after sticking to a diet for years. I've been on an all-audio diet, which was certainly healthier than regular books, but ends up being all salads and bran muffins, with the occasional low-fat brownie thrown in. Reading this book was a plate of fettucine alfredo with french fries on the side and a pint of Haagen-Dazs for dessert. Nothing at all healthy about it, but man, did it taste good going down.
I forgot how a book can so completely overwhelm the senses when you are sitting on a couch in a quiet house and focusing only on the story. The story knocked me off my feet like a rogue wave when I had my back turned to the water. I didn't see it coming. I sat in my living room, thinking I'd read a little bit and then get dinner ready, but before I knew it I was 100 pages in and ordering pizza. Then Darcey woke up and I sat outside reading while she crawled around the front yard. At the 200 page mark I took her inside and let her play in the tub while I sat on the floor of the bathroom and read. When Darcey and Zack were down, it was easy enough to let Brad and Noah play outside up until bedtime, and when they finally came in, they thought I was so nice to get pizza for dinner and let them stay out late that they went to bed without an argument.
I ended up reading from about 4:00 until 11:00 that night, a practice that used to be a common occurrence but had fallen by the wayside in the name of efficiency and productivity. Responsibility. Adulthood. Ohhh, but it feels so good to abandon myself in a story! To ignore the dishes in the sink and not think about what I should be doing or ought to be doing, and just revel in the pure pleasure of reading a good book. I can rack my brain all day long and I could not come up with anything I'd rather do than let a book swallow me whole and spit me out at the end of a long day, tired and maybe a little worn out from wherever the book had taken me. Of all their travels, my parents' best day was one beautiful day, where my mom, dad, and brother Tim were sitting in a park in Paris all reading or listening to an audiobook. They missed their flight home because of that, but none of them call it a mistake. That's my idea of a great travel day.
There's a Blind Melon song that has these lyrics, which I love: "All I can do is read a book to stay awake, and it rips my life away but it's a great escape." I realize that, just like a fattening meal, reading like this every day would make me a glutton. My life, and our household, would fall apart if I ordered pizza every night and put the dishes off until the morning. Maybe I have something in common with the addict I read about - having to balance the desire for pleasure with the responsibilities of normal life. Maybe it's better that I listen to audiobooks most of the time, because it's clear that when I get my hands on a good book, I tend to binge. But for now I'm going to revel in the joy of reading a good book, and hope for more days like this to come along. It might be my guilty pleasure, but it's still a pleasure.
I love the adventures that books provide. I love not knowing where the story is going to take you, not knowing where your heart is going to end up when you attach it to a character and follow him around, feeling what he does. I love exploring the choices that other people make - having the wonderful ability to disagree with every move the character makes, then having to see the results of those choices, but not having to live with it myself. It's like getting to live extra lives without the burden of really living them, or of any metaphysical reincarnation stuff. I can only imagine that being reincarnated would be a time-consuming way to experience more of life. Book are the cliff's notes version.
I've always been a reader. My earliest reading memory would be The Bath Book, where I infamously (in my family at least) misread "Otter" and the story became: "Elders don't take baths in water, they just play and fish there." I was the nerd on the playground that would rather read than play. I remember sitting on top of a piece of equipment reading Bridge to Terabithia, one of my favorite books of my childhood. My dad was no help in the "how to be a reader but still be cool" department. He would bring a paperback book with him to Wet 'N Wild, a Florida waterpark, read while standing in line, then leave the book at the bottom of the stairs and pick it up when he came off the slide. To this day that sounds like a genius plan if I ever heard one, but registers on the "things that could get you beat up" scale.
No, reading did not make me cool, but I had friends and wasn't a complete loser. Being an adult means that I finally, finally, am not judged by my skill (or lack thereof) in gym class, and being a reader is an asset, not a liability. Sadly, though, being an adult means that there is not nearly as much time to read. I have to do all those adulty things, like paying bills, and doing laundry, and scrubbing the bathtub.
About four years ago, my dad introduced me to audiobooks, which is how us nerds can take something ubercool like an ipod and reduce it to nothing more than a convenient book-carrier. Not to sound melodramatic, but audiobooks have changed my life. I no longer have to decide whether we are going to have clean clothes to wear or if I'm going to polish off a novel - now I could do both! I love that I can multi-task, do the horrible, boring things that make the label "housewife" strike such dread in my heart, but still listen to a great novel, or biography, or history book, or whatever happens to be on my ipod that day. I love the efficiency of the whole thing so much that I've all but stopped reading books on paper (analog, my brother Drew calls them). For years now, my books have all been audio, and my reading has been in conjunction with accomplishing household tasks.
Yesterday, I happened to stumble across the perfect storm of reading opportunities. Ryan was in bed, sick with what might be the Parisian Death Virus starting a second round, so I led the boys in our Saturday morning cleaning ritual. On my way to the baptism of our next-door neighbor Ashley, another neighbor returned "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer, a book on paper that I had bought but hadn't found time to read yet. When we got home, with the boys outside playing and Darcey and Ryan down for naps, I sat on the couch for the first time in ages and read a book.
It was like giving a dying man in the desert a long drink of water. If the man didn't know how thirsty he was. Okay, better analogy: it was like breathing again after holding your breath for a really long time. No, this is the best one: It's like eating a fantastic meal after sticking to a diet for years. I've been on an all-audio diet, which was certainly healthier than regular books, but ends up being all salads and bran muffins, with the occasional low-fat brownie thrown in. Reading this book was a plate of fettucine alfredo with french fries on the side and a pint of Haagen-Dazs for dessert. Nothing at all healthy about it, but man, did it taste good going down.
I forgot how a book can so completely overwhelm the senses when you are sitting on a couch in a quiet house and focusing only on the story. The story knocked me off my feet like a rogue wave when I had my back turned to the water. I didn't see it coming. I sat in my living room, thinking I'd read a little bit and then get dinner ready, but before I knew it I was 100 pages in and ordering pizza. Then Darcey woke up and I sat outside reading while she crawled around the front yard. At the 200 page mark I took her inside and let her play in the tub while I sat on the floor of the bathroom and read. When Darcey and Zack were down, it was easy enough to let Brad and Noah play outside up until bedtime, and when they finally came in, they thought I was so nice to get pizza for dinner and let them stay out late that they went to bed without an argument.
I ended up reading from about 4:00 until 11:00 that night, a practice that used to be a common occurrence but had fallen by the wayside in the name of efficiency and productivity. Responsibility. Adulthood. Ohhh, but it feels so good to abandon myself in a story! To ignore the dishes in the sink and not think about what I should be doing or ought to be doing, and just revel in the pure pleasure of reading a good book. I can rack my brain all day long and I could not come up with anything I'd rather do than let a book swallow me whole and spit me out at the end of a long day, tired and maybe a little worn out from wherever the book had taken me. Of all their travels, my parents' best day was one beautiful day, where my mom, dad, and brother Tim were sitting in a park in Paris all reading or listening to an audiobook. They missed their flight home because of that, but none of them call it a mistake. That's my idea of a great travel day.
There's a Blind Melon song that has these lyrics, which I love: "All I can do is read a book to stay awake, and it rips my life away but it's a great escape." I realize that, just like a fattening meal, reading like this every day would make me a glutton. My life, and our household, would fall apart if I ordered pizza every night and put the dishes off until the morning. Maybe I have something in common with the addict I read about - having to balance the desire for pleasure with the responsibilities of normal life. Maybe it's better that I listen to audiobooks most of the time, because it's clear that when I get my hands on a good book, I tend to binge. But for now I'm going to revel in the joy of reading a good book, and hope for more days like this to come along. It might be my guilty pleasure, but it's still a pleasure.
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