Help Wanted

No mother can watch the children she loves grow up and discover themselves without imagining what they’ll be when they grow up. Like Brad – will he turn his art skills into a career? Will Noah end up as a stunt man, or maybe a boxer? That boy can take a hit like no one else. Will Zack be an actor, with a specialty in crying scenes?

Darcey is my only girl, and while my only hopes for her are to see her wear a tutu in ballet class someday and finally have hair long enough for me to braid, her current skills are not putting her on a path for productive employment. Based on Darcey’s talents, here are some potential careers:

Mountain Climber – Strap a harness on this girl and set her off – as long as there’s a kitchen chair for her to start off from she can climb any height. Darcey’s favorite thing to do is to scale the countertops and cruise around the kitchen, getting into anything she can reach. The entire contents of my kitchen are on top of the refrigerator currently.

Stuffed Animal Tester – Darcey loves stuffed animals. She calls them “babies” and has several that she will hug all day long. But she’s not attached to any one in particular – she’s an equal opportunity squeezer. She could take this an evil direction and end up like Elmira from Tiny Toons – squeezing kitties as hard as she can. It could go either way.

Beauty Queen, or Diva – for an 18 month old, she shows an amazing interest in all things beauty related. She sure doesn’t get it from me – it must be coming from the Simmons’ blood. One day I was painting my toenails while Darcey took her bath, only to find her standing with one leg hanging over the tub’s edge and whining for me to paint her nails too. She adored her ballerina costume on Halloween – I think she likes being pretty.

Imelda Marcos – Darcey loves shoes. I mean she LOVES shoes. Unlike Noah (and Grandpa Fred) who seem to be happier trodding along with bare feet, regardless of heat, snow, ice, or sharp pointy rocks, Darcey prefers shoes to all else. She will bring me shoes to put on her and will get mad if they are so big that they fall off. She had me put her borrowed ballet slippers on over her footie pajamas, which to me counts as double shoes. “Shoes” is one of the seven or eight words that she knows. That girl is going to have quite the shoe collection someday.

Sidewalk Chalk Artist, Muralist, or Tagger – Darcey loves pencils, crayons, and markers, and her favorite canvas is anything other than paper. The floor is preferred, but the table, counters, and walls are always an option. She could follow in Grandpa Bob’s footsteps and turn pro on the wall-drawing thing, or she can turn juvenile delinquent and become a graffiti artist. Zack will probably go that way – he’s tagged the kitchen cabinets, the wall, and the floor with his name. You’ll notice I haven’t nominated any of my kids for Nuclear Physicist. I’m just hoping they stay out of jail.

Darcey would also do well in a variety of very niche-y jobs. She’d make a great Lego Dumper-Outer, a Spice Drawer Emptier, a Thrower-Of-Important-Things-In-The-Garbage, a Penny Sucker, or a Cell Phone Button Pusher. But the last I heard, none of those jobs pay very much, and the job stability is in the toilet. Banana Smashers or Middle-Of-The-Night Screamers just aren’t in high demand right now. Maybe when the economy turns around, she’ll be perfectly positioned for the coveted job of Couch Cushion Puller-Offer, but for now she’s just going to have to stay unemployed.

But if you hear of a job for a Library Book Page Ripper, let me know - I have just the girl for you.