This is the second in a series of lecture notes from Education Week at BYU. Hope you like it. :)
Increasing Personal Effectiveness: Living Happier, More Productive Lives - Kevin Miller
The Art of Communication - Kevin Miller (*has possibly taken over as my favorite class)
The Divine Gift of Righteous Influence - Sheri Dew
How to Be A Better Wife in 4 Easy Lessons: How to Combine "He" and "She" and Not Lose the "Real Me" - Merrilee Boyack (*an excellent class again today)
Isaiah: Prophet, Seer, and Poet- Victor Ludlow (possibly the least interesting class of the day, but that could have been because of my headache)
The Anatomy of a High-Trust Relationship: The Power of Being Positive - Hank Smith (*I particularly loved this class today)
Increasing Personal Effectiveness: Living Happier, More Productive Lives by Kevin Miller
I decided to jettison the first class that I took yesterday (Resolving Marital Issues in Practical Ways) in favor of a class on feeling joy by the same teacher of the communication class that I enjoyed so much. My dad calls this "calling an audible" which I guess is a football term? I think it means (or at least, I've cobbled together from the various times he's used the phrase) that I changed my play spontaneously; I abandoned the playbook and went out on my own. It was a good call; the teacher is Kevin Miller and I really like his energy and enthusiasm.
That We Might Have Joy - Kevin R. Miller
Gospel of Jesus Christ is a source of joy. Men are that they might have joy, not stress, etc. Joy is a fundamental purpose of life. We are hardwired to experience joy.
Study of joy since the 1950's - as affluence increases, our joy decreases. You can never get enough of what you don't need, because it will never satisfy you.
Joy is decreasing because we spend more time/effort accumulating stuff.
We have access to so much information that we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders.
We have become too dependent on technology that we forget that we can be dependent on ourselves. (Youtube - stuck on an escalator video)
Happiness is the object and design of our existence if we pursue the path that leads to it - virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, keeping the commandments.
He sees more joy, contentment, peace in non-members than in members sometimes. With our increased joy sometimes we focus on our increased responsibilities, focusing more on what we're not doing (that we should) instead of focusing on the things that bring us joy.
Richard G. Scott april 96 - Sadness, disappointment, severe challenges are events in life, not life itself - they should not be the confining center of everything you do.
Peace of mind is temporary. Peace of conscience can be permanent, a general feeling in life that life's okay.
Alma 26:17-18 - Joy of Ammon was so great
Alma 29:16 - soul separated from body (as it were) because of joy
People choose sin because they are making the best choice to meet their need, it was the best option that they could think of. All sin springs from deep unmet needs on the part of the sinner - physical, emotional, spiritual - that's how you can love the sinner and not the sin. Meet the unmet need and sin no more.
Pleasure and happiness are superficial, a deeper joy is always possible.
Have a a higher J.Q. (joy quotient) than I.Q. Teaching Children Joy by the Eyres.
The answer to joy is not to run faster. If I just get up earlier, work harder I can be more perfect, I'll get everything done and be happier. The Lord says, Peace, be still - feel, be. The greatest tool we have for achieving joy is the gospel of Jesus Christ.
We feel genuine joy when our value and worth is affirmed or when we affirm he value and worth of others, through our behaviors, choices and words. Every contact with another person should cause them to feel that they are of worth.
The world shall perish not for lack of wonders, but for lack of wonder. - JBS Haldane
We suffer for lack of woodier, and not a lack of wonderful people. - Emerson
Our capacity for joy is inwardly driven, not outwardly provided.
Close your eyes and think of a recent joyful moment: a moment where you experienced pure contentment, delight and joy.
Joy comes from relationships, not from things. Not from buying a CD or a new dress - that is pleasure. Joy comes from people. Being in nature also brings deep contentment - you can't speed it up or slow it down, we step into nature's world.
"The Molecules of Emotion"
Emotions are molecular/chemical. The chemical triggers the thought. You can't talk someone out of an emotion - you should not invalidate someone because of their emotion. Some chemicals can take 3 days to leave, so even when the situation changes you can still be feeling the emotion for a long time.
There is a physical place in the brain that is designed solely for experiencing joy.
Andehonia - difficulty in finding pleasure in activities that should be pleasurable
Wanting More - the challenge of enjoyment in the age of addiction by Mark Chamberlain
Phenylethylamine (PEA) When we are infatuated, PEA is released into our body giving us a high, which doesn't last, so we seek the pleasure again, thinking that we must have chosen wrong in the first place.
The more we seek intensity, the less we are able to enjoy the more natural doses. We cannot enjoy life by accruing more goods. Our expectations seem to float upon our rising prosperity and shut down our pleasure with each step we take. - Chamberlain
Things can present new opportunities for experiencing joy, but it is up to us to choose to feel joy.
Harvard - the ideal income level for maximum happiness in life is $40,000 - enough to meet needs without the temptation to accumulate stuff.
Affluent children have lower ratings of happiness than children at the lowest economic levels. 2nd generation wealthy, as they grow older, fail to enjoy their abundance, driven by fear of losing their wealth and the desire to maintain the status-quo. - The Millionaire Next Door
Realtors say people buy dream homes and sell them within 4 years because it doesn't satisfy. Utah leads nation in personal bankruptcies, loan defaults,
Joy is not a destination, but a reward for the journey.
Begin each day with joy in mind.
-joy is a mindset. There are two ways to live life. One is as if nothing were a miracle. The other is that eveything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein
Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees -confuscious
write it in your heart that every day is the best day of the year - Emerson
I slept and dreamed tha life way joy, I awoke and saw that life was duty, I acted and beheld duty was joy. - Tagore
Make a joy list of things that bring you joy. things you could do any day, any time of day to bring you joy. (Less than $2)
- Laugh with my family
- Hug my kids
- sit outside in the shade
- unplug and appreciate where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with
- deep breathing
- hug someone until they let go
- take a walk
Do five every day.
The Joy of:
waking up in the morning
learning - stop and drink what is there, enjoy being in the chair where you are.
being childlike - matthew 18:2-3
enjoying what you have
postponing, denying, fulfilling a desire
repairing and reusing
not judging someone
spending time in nature
14,000 things to be happy about - Kipfer
People dependent upon their eyes and ears seldom understand the wealth of life that is tangible. - Helen Keller
We can more fully appreciate the simple experience isn life by appreciating them more often. Stop gobbling down food on the run.
2. Choose relationships over things. Don't use people and have things. Use things and have people. Things will never bring you the joy we're talking about.
A joyful heart is the result of a heart burning with love. - Mother Teresa
Marketing and advertising makes us feel like what we have isn't enough and that what they're selling will make us happy. Joy is not in having what you want, but wanting what you have. Enjoy what you have?
Are you wealthy?
1. In addition to walking, another mode of transportation
2. more than one pair of shoes
variety in your diet
more than one set of underwear
Better than 90% of people who have ever lived.
3. Watching our expectations.
Anyone who imagines bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most marriages require a high degree of tolerance. Life is like an old-time rail journey - delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting us have the ride.
Jenkins Lloyd Jones
4. Don't take life too seriously.
Laugh every day, make other people laugh every day.
5. Keep balanced
True joy seems to have a deeply spiritual component - our capacity for joy grows as we increase our spiritual nature.
There is a god-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person that cannot be satisfied by any created thing, but only by god the creator - blaise pascal
let us remain in as empty as possible so that god can fill us up - mother teresa
6. Model and teach joy. Let people see us as a tigger, not an eeyore. Validate their life, let them feel more joy from meeting us.
The Art of Communication: Between Brothers and Sisters-Tips and Tools for Communicating with the Other Gender by Clueing in to Physical, Mental, Spiritual and Cultural Differences
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die - (I want to get this one)
If you stuff a feeling, it erupts in other ways in your life. Passive communicators have more physical ailments than aggressive communicators.
The Savior used Aggressive, Passive and Assertive communication styles.
Aggressive - John 2:15-16 - he didn't lose it, he sat down, made a whip, tried it out a few times, then took care of business. Made the choice to be aggressive. Matthew 23:27-28
Passive - 3 N. 12:25, John 19:9 - he wasn't afraid, but passive is how he needed to be
Assertive - Ether 2:23 - allowed Bro. of Jared to figure it out on his own, respected him and invited respect
Use "you" messages and not "I" messages. When you label someone, they get defensive.
Instead say, "I feel...when...because" messages. You can say "I feel...when you...because..."
"I feel discouraged, sad, or used when the counter is left so messy after snack time because it makes more work for me."
Then ask "How do you feel about it?" and "What can we do to solve it?"
Allows the other person to be involved, to make their own choices.
No one is "never" or "always"
If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll continue to get what you've always got.
Understanding One Another - Communicating With The "Other" Gender
Genesis 2:24 - cleave unto his wife - adhere, cling, or stick fast, be faithful to.
What we are tallking about today are generalizations - they may be completely opposite in your relationships.
What are the common stereotypes of how the other gender communicates?
Men do "report" talking - so, how's the boat, etc?
Women do "rapport" talking - creating bonds, doesn't want to fix anything
Men have a goal in a conversation, they want bottom-line up front - they want to fix things. By nature, if you bring a problem up to a man, they want to fix it. It's the way they say "I love you." Men don't need to make eye contact in order to listen. They grow up playing baseball, football, where the person they are making eye contact with is the opponent.
Men can compartmentalize - they can have all the problems in the world and can go to sleep, knowing that the problems will still be there. Women can't go to sleep until the problems are talked out.
Men love facts and want to be factually understood, women want to be emotionally understood. Men need to listen to women not just to understand but to make the woman feel understood. Even if it takes only a minute to understand the problem, a man should listen to a woman until the woman feels understood (even if it takes an hour.) Once a woman feels understood, they are incredibly capable of solving their own problems. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, just as much for women as for men. Men fall in love deeper than women, they feel deeper than women, but they are denied their feelings. If a topic has an emotional component at all, you need to listen until the other person feels understood.
Women gossip, chit-chat, relationship-building talk. They are subtle and indirect.
If a woman needs to use the bathroom, don't say "Do we need to stop for gas soon?" Just say, "I need to use the bathroom, can we stop at the soonest place?" Give the man a loving problem to solve.
A woman speaks 5,000-20,000 more words a day, they are more
"Men are Like Waffles, Women are LIke Spaghetti" by Farrels. Waffles are little compartments, each in its own place. Spaghetti is all mixed up in one bowl and needs to talk in order to figure it out.
You know, I don't think I do a lot of the requiring Ryan to read my mind. I think I'm fairly straight-forward, mostly.
Why gender differences?
Gender is spiritual, and essential characteristic of eternal identity and purpose. There are male and female spirits, not uni-sex.
Mena dn women are given different roles, and are given different gifts to help.
Men tend to be more process oriented, relationship oriented
men tend to be more of a problem solver, always work with a goal in mind
Physiological differences - no human organ is more sexually different than the brain. Male and female sex organs are more similar than male and female brains. Women have more cross-lateral connections in the brain, able to use both sides of the brain better. A woman's brain is like a swiss army knife - given a problem, they look at all the different blades to look at the problem and approach it. A man's brain is like a meat cleaver - bring him a problem, and he just chops, even if it creates more problems. Women want to solve things in the best way, men are not afraid of collateral damage. Solving the problem (with a meat cleaver) makes them feel manly.
Women want to talk about a problem because they aren't always sure if the screwdriver or the can opener is the right tool - they don't need it to be solved, they need to be listened to.
Tomorrow's topic - testosterone and estrogen.
The Divine Gift of Righteous Influence - Sheri Dew
D&C 33:3 - it is the last time to call laborers v.6 - will gather mine elect, reap with might, mind, strength, open your mouth and it will be filled
The elect cannot ignore truth when they hear it.
We have so much information, guidance, knowledge of the Lord
We underestimate our potential to have a righteous influence.
Having righteous influence is a gift of the Spirit and is something we should seek. D&C 46:8-9 Seek earnestly the best gifts.
Desire to do what we are sent here to this world to do.
Pres. Monson - the sweetest experience in mortality is to know that our Heavenly Father has worked through us.
A lot of things prevent us from having righteous influence - apathy, sin, etc
May 2009 Christofferson - we need strong christians who can preserver against hardship...who can defend the truth of Jesus Christ against moral relativism and militant atheism.
The principle of the trim tab - the rudder on a cruise ship is pretty small, relatively speaking, but the rudder is guided by a tiny piece called the trim tab. Often with influence you can't see how important such a small thing is. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass - Alma 37:6
Unique Influence of Women
Women are leaders of leaders
Who has more influence on a man than his wife? Or a child than his mother?
Mother is a word that describes leadership or influence.
Women are gifted with an innate spirituality.
The church provides unusual leadership opportunity for women. In the world there are more than 40,000 female leaders of auxiliaries.
LDS women ought to have more influence than any other women in the world.
It is not for you to be led by the women of the world, it is for you to lead the women of the world...Joseph F. Smith
Pres. Kimball November 1978 - The righteous woman's strength and influence today can be tenfold than what it might be in more tranquil times.
Unique Influence of Men
The priesthood makes a man a leader of leaders.
Father best describes the influential role of a man.
Monson - we have been entrusted to act in the name of god, we are the erecipients of a sacred trust.
Truths of Influence
1. We all have more influence than we think we do.
2. Righteous influence is a gift of the spirit
3. Influence is often exerted in small ways.
4. It is not possible not to have influence , the question si what kind of influence you will have
5. No one can replace your influence.
Satan has diverted the view of womanhood and manhood. We have to pass on the legacy of what it means to be men and women of covenant to the next generation.
Maxwell - the highest compliment I can pay you is that god has placed you ere and now at this time to serve in his kingdom, so much isa gout to happen in which you will be involved, which you will have some great influence.
What does a leader actually do?
As leaders we:
Make decisions (judgment)
With each principle ask what have I learned, and how can I apply it?
1. Influence depends upon trust. Without trust you can't have influence, only strategy.
If you can't be trusted, you can't lead.
Trust has three critical elements:
-judgment - trust that they had fairly good (not perfect) judgment
-motives - trust their motives are pure
-telling the truth (to yourself and others)
We will not follow someone we do not trust!
D&C 6:18 - admonish him and receive admonition - only can be done with trust
2. Leaders must communicate, but they must do more than talk.
Leaders speak the language of those they lead. For example, in dealing with teenagers, send texts because that is their language. Speaking their language shows love. It is not insignificant that Moroni spoke to Joseph in english.
Talk isn't enough!
If a leader relies solely on talking, his/her relationship will have limited results.
Personal experience is the most persuasive teacher.
Great leaders create experiences.
Experiences are the key to changing beliefs.
We believe in order to get results, we need to change some actions. This doesn't work in the long-term. We need to have experiences that create beliefs which influence our actions and create results.
For example, to get girls excited about going to temple to do baptisms, the ward changed the baptism experience. Changed time to make it convenient, prepared them to make it more meaningful, that experience changed their beliefs about baptism, led to the results they wanted.
Listen to how many times "experience" is used in the temple. Experiences are how the Lord teaches us, how he leads us to beliefs and actions. Attending the temple, experiencing the temple, can help us learn about doctrine and power of the kingdom, designed to help us create beliefs.
An experience that can help us feel the Spirit will change us.
Pres. Lee promised that your testimony will grow if you have a spiritual experience every day. The Spirit will testify to you that Jesus is the Christ.
How to Be A Better Wife in Four Easy Lessons
I'm halfway through the second day, and my brain is on the verge of exploding. Is there a limit to the amount of new information that a brain can take in in one sitting? Because I think I'm at my mental threshold. Maybe that's why, during any mental downtime during the day, my brain kicks into endless repetitions of "Copacabana," the words of which I don't actually know, which makes an already annoying song about a thousand times worse.
How To Combine "He" and "She" and Not Lose "The Real Me" - Merrilee Boyack
Book: Satan's War on Free Agency - Greg Wright, excellent book about choices and includes some about parenting
Things we can do as an individual to make our lives better.
Marriage is like being assimilated by the Borg. We get married and have to deal with the pressure of the expectations of yourself, your husband, your parents, in-laws, neighbors, etc.
We need to learn how to stay "me" and not be assimilated.
Will the Real Me please stand up?
We spend so much time feeding and taking care of everyone else, that we forget to take care of ourselves.
Marion Hanks - Every girl, every woman is a somebody, apart and aside from anyone else, husband, or family, or otherwise.
Self-respect and self-esteem are the products of good self-image.
Do you think Jesus Christ had self-esteem problems? No, because he knew who he was. That he was a son of God. Do you know who you are? Who you really are? You are a valiant, incredible, amazing daughter of God. Never say "I have self-esteem problems." We understand that we are divine, powerful women - don't ever lose sight of that.
Hinckley - We are too prone to be satisfied with mediocre performance. We are capable of doing so much better.
Nourish Your Body
1. keep active, build a strong base of good and vibrant health, to work hard and conditioning and developing a healthy and attractive body - Hanks
Never lose sight of the importance of your body.
-Physical activity is essential to good health-find your own way and mix it up.
-Goal is movement every day. It has to be a conscious choice to move every day, even if it doesn't come naturally.
- Applaud yourself when you're done and you'll be more likely to do it again.
2. Watch what you eat
- Brain first - attitude is the most important part of watching what you eat and the way your body is behaving, wait until your head is in order
- Pick your strategies. Compare your diets to the word of wisdom. The Lord created us, he might know what he's talking about. Incorporate strategies into healthy living.
for example - drink a glass of water every morning, go organic, eat fruits and veggies, etc. - pick top three and focus on those
- Structure a supportive environment - if it's not in your house, you won't eat it. Have supportive people
- Pick your motivation. This needs to be a lifestyle change - why are you changing? Pair of jeans, picture of yourself, motivational CDs or talks, make a promise to the Lord that you will eat well that day then report back
3. SLEEP! #1 key to healing is sleep. To stay cancer-free, sleep is critically important. Fight for your eight hours a day
4. Take a break. Every hour, take a break. 30 seconds of deep breathing, 10 seconds of looking out the backyard, etc.
5. Keep clean. Meticulous care of ourself and our living place and possessions is a hallmark of self-respect and wisdom. You will feel better about yourself if you keep yourself clean.
Consider detoxing your homes.
ewg.org - environmental working group - evaluates items for toxic levels, cosmetics etc. also
Be aware of the chemicals we're surrounding ourselves and our family with.
6. Smile. Cheerful attitude. A smile brings more joy and beauty and attractiveness than anything else.
7. Head and hands. The two things that are almost always visible. Take care of the way your hands look. Take care of your hair and face.
-Repaired - don't wear clothes with holes, etc.
-Modest is hottest - even if clothes cover what they're supposed to cover, it might still not be modest. Be careful of "oversharing"
-Attractive for your body style
-Color and style - just because it's in fashion doesn't mean it looks right on you. Dress your age, don't wear clothes your teenager would wear.
-Ask an expert
9. Nourish Your Mind
- Rule for your sons: No dumb chicks. Some women feel that when they finish their education or get married, that's it. At that point, their brains began to shrink. Excuses like "I don't have time, I have kids, what am I supposed to do, read a text book?" What you're really saying is "I am refusing to learn."
- What is our greatest potential? Is it not to achieve godhood ourselves? And what are the qualities we must delevop for greatness? - KImball
Gain intelligence, light and knowledge
Read - ask if it's virtuous, do you want this garbage in your head? Read 5 classics a year, or 4 gospel books a year, whatever - even if it takes you an entire year to finish a book. Carry a book with you. www.TED.com - major speeches available online.
Take a Class
study an interesting topic
Education is never a waste and it's NOT just for our kids!
D&C 25 (?) - our time should be given to writing and to learning much
10. To develop leadership. Hinkcley 5/01 pg. 93 - The whole gamut of leadership is available to women.
11. Extend, exemplify, and teach in compassion and love.
Our gift and our strength is to bring our nurturing abilities to the world. We don't lead like men.
Teach with confidence. It is mothers that are teaching children to be effective leaders. Our experiences are to teach our children how to lead, so teach them with confidence.
12. Nourish your spirit
D&C 25:110 - lay aside the things of the world an see for the things of a better
Without the devotion and testimony of the living god in the hearts of our mothers, this church would die.
Quiz: Scale of 1-10
1. my relationship with the savior is growing. My love is deepening, my understanding of the atonement is growing.
2. I have regular prayer habits - deep communication. Sometimes it's hard to have prayers that aren't "bouncers" i.e. bouncing off the ceiling. It takes time and solitude to have meaningful prayer - search for those two things so that your prayers are truly talking to and with Heavenly Father and not just repeating the same things every day.
3. I study my scriptures regularly. I go beyond just reading and study and ponder. I read the Book of Mormon every year.
4. I ponder my covenants. Temple, baptismal or both - I try to gain a deeper understanding of them and live them.
5. I attend the temple frequently, beyond what is easy.
Work on internal spirituality and not external spirituality. Be humble, repentant, faithful follower o the SAvior who is filled with love for others. There are saints who can check off lots of boxes but are critical and obsessive.
Remember the greatest way to gain the respect and love of your husband is to respect and love yourself. We are too important to starve ourselves any longer. We are somebody. We are worth time and effort.
Isaiah: Prophet, Seer, and Poet
King Manasseh destroyed the temple, the scriptures, gave one of his sons as a human sacrifice to the god Molech (the Canaanite god of war), expected his subjects to do the same. He ordered Isaiah put inside an old, rotten hollow tree trunk then sawed through it with a hard wooden saw to kill Isaiah.
His message wasn't just for his contemporary audience. Isaiah was quoted more than any other O.T. prophet by Jesus and Paul (under "quotations" in Bible Dictionary to see what O.T. scriptures were quoted in the N.T.) Isaiah was referred to as "the prophet." The Dead Sea Scrolls has more Isaiah than any other O.T. prophet, including the earliest known record of the book of Isaiah, on one entire scroll. During the medieval period the books were put into chapter/verse order. The Essene's reader read a scroll while 8-10 scribes hand wrote the text. The hebrew language is consonantal, usually just the consonants were written, leaving a lot of room to make mistakes about what each word was. 150-200 BC is the earliest written book of Isaiah.
As far as we know, there are no original biblical documents anywhere, not even a little piece. All we have of anything of the bible (even N.T.) is copies of copies of copies etc. The Dead Sea Scrolls are among the earliest.
The complexity and diversity of Isaiah's language means that people don't always know if they're being offended or not, so it was left more or less intact.
Isaiah addressed five major topics:
1. To Israel, the northern kingdom of his time. Israel was about to be destroyed and scattered by the Assyrians
2. To his own kingdom of Judah.
3. To other nations. Egypt, Babylon, Syria, the Ammonites, other groups in his time and in other ages. Isaiah the Seer - read chapter 19, dealing with Egypt and realize that this was written by Isaiah 2700 years ago, a few of which had not been fulfilled as of 50 years ago. In 1960 these things still had not happened, two of the three and part of the third have happened in the last fifty years.
4. Messianic prophecies - the Savior's first and second coming, his service in the Atonement.
5. His most dominant topic was the last days. He saw things in the last days that even though we are living it, we aren't seeing it as clearly as he did.
Context and Application
Eastern, Oriental, Semitic, Rural society
Chapter 1 of Isaiah - Expresses first principles of the gospel
-Trust in the Lord = Faith
-Turn, turn back, return = Repentance - the world will take us away from the Lord, we need to turn back - stop doing evil, start doing good
-Cleansing, washing, purifying = Baptism - before becoming an Orthodox Jew one would participate in a washing, in a mikvah watched by 3 witnesses, one of whom is a cohen/a priest, they witness that you go completely under the water. This is closer to what we identify as a baptism than what other Christian religions perform. Baptism is the form, washing is the purpose.
-Spirit, Holy Spirit, gifts of the Spirit, manifestations of the Spirit = Gift of Holy Ghost
1. First principles and ordinances of the gospel - the same as what Adam, Moses, Enoch taught is what Isaiah is teaching.
Bible was Old Covenant and New Covenant
Book of Mormon is written that they may know the covenants of the Lord and not be cast off
Covenant appears 150 times in Book of Mormon, most between God and us - located in 3 books - 1st, 2nd, 3rd Nephi. 1/3 of Isaiah is quoted in Book of Mormon, in 1st, 2nd, 3rd Nephi. The book fo mormon writers are quoting Isaiah to teach covenants, in order to help us understand covenants
Prophecies - (Thursday's class)
The Anatomy of a High-Trust Relationship: The Power of Being Positive
Trust - a willingness to become vulnerable (in the short term) in order to reduce vulnerability (in the long term)
Why does the Lord want us to study the creation?
The Lord is telling us that things with meaning take time. There are certain steps involved that must be done in order. Can't skip to Day 6. We try to skip steps in relationships all the time - pretend to be a Day 6 family in church, when we're really a Day 1 family at home. But we really can't skip ahead. Some people only care that it looks like they have a high-trust relationship than if they really have a high-trust relationship.
Very few people can show you your blind spots. Only you can come to those realizations of what you do wrong.
A stake patriarch said that in 998 blessings he's given, they've all been positive. Look at what the Lord could say (to a 15, 16, 17 year old) versus what he could say. How likely wold you go back to the blessing if it said, It doesn't look good, or to the parent who says, Why can't you be more like your sister?
Joseph F. Smith - If you wish your children to love the truth and understand it...love them. Prove to them with every word or act...don't speak in anger - you can't force them to heaven, but you may force them to hell.
Improvement Era, Jan 1910, 276-79
Joseph Fielding Smith - No friendship was ever gained by attack upon principle or upon man, but by calm reason and the lowly spirit of truth. If you have built for a man a better house than his own, and he is willing to accept yours and forsake his, then, and not till then, should you proceed to tear down the old structure. Rotten though it may be, it will require some time for it to lose all its charms and fond memories...therefore let him, not you, proceed to tear it away.
Let someone tear down his own house.
A seminary teacher tearing down the tv show "friends" ended up with the kids defending the show to the death. Create for them a better house and let them tear down the old one on their own.
The same works for children - "Why are you watching so much tv?"
Joseph Smith - a human relations master - Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the lest kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind.
this is why the church doesn't defend itself with harshness against it's enemies
If a therapist denigrates an abuser, it puts the victim in the role of defending the abuser.
Ceaseless pinpricking can deflate almost any marriage...Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don't need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. - Spencer W. Kimball
A low-trust relationship does not allow for criticism. If criticism is taken defensively, it's a sign that you might be in a low-trust relationship.
A positive attitude is not always the answer. Running a marathon in shoes that are too small, having a positive attitude isn't going to help. To be positive includes a patience factor.
If you want something done by your children (i.e. clean your toys) , that's your goal - to achieve your goal we usually start with patience, then start threatening, then get scary.
What if your goal changes to a trust-building interaction - you are less likely to get frustrated and upset. The toys still need to be picked up but changing your goal in the interaction will keep the relationship intact.
Proverbs 16;32 There is need of much discipline in marriage, not of one's companion but of one's self. Cultivate the art of the soft answer. It will bless your homes, it will bless your lives, it will bless your companionships, it will bless your children.
We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only wen we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention....The voice of heaven is a still, small voice; likewise, the voice of domestic peace is a quiet voice. - Pres. Hinckley
Boyd K. Packer story - son stole and wrecked the family car. At the police station he said, I want to talk to my dad. Clearly there was a high-trust relationship in place before the crisis.
In high-trust relationships we share information, in low-trust relationships we protect ourselves. In high-trust nurses group, the more high performing group had more mistakes reported - not that they had more mistakes, but because they felt comfortable reporting their mistakes. Do we want our kids to tell us when they screw up? Then we need to create a safe relationship.