The Reject

Here are some words I never thought I'd say: I know exactly how the American Idol rejects feel. You know the people I'm talking about - the auditioners that are absolutely convinced that they are the next American Idol, but turn out to be a tone-deaf spectacle only put through to the judges to appease America's need for public humiliation. It's not the humiliation I empathize with; it's the way that contestant never saw it coming, the stunned look on their face, the disbelieving shock that they, of all people, were getting turned down.

It's the hubris being shattered, the arrogant self-confidence eroding like quicksand, that I understand today.

I applied for a freelance writing job today. The job is for a company that writes how-to articles for popular websites. It doesn't pay very much per article, but I have a friend who works for them and it's turned out pretty well for her - she brings in some extra money while gaining some writing experience and gets to write on topics that she chooses. She told me that she writes one or two a night while watching tv. Surely I could do something like that, right? After all, I've written over 200 blog entries, and even if you take out the ones that are my gratuitous whining, there's still a few that are moderately well written. I do well on all of my papers at school. I could do this. If my friend can write these articles WHILE WATCHING TV - how hard could it be?

Apparently, I'll never know, because I was rejected. I sent in my application, along with my resume and two writing samples. I sent my two favorite blogs I've ever written: Public Service

and a heavily edited version of I Am That Mother. And I was completely convinced that I had this thing in the bag. I never, ever considered that I might not even be hired - I was already counting my money and deciding how to spend it. This is American Idol-level hubris if I ever saw it, and clearly, I was in need of a smackdown.

Two hours after I sent in my application, I received this reply:

Dear Emily,

Thank you for submitting your Writer application to _____ Studios. At this time, we do not have any assignments for you that fit our needs.

And that was it. I was stunned. This wasn't even in the realm of possibility in my mind. They say pride goeth before the fall, and let me add - the bigger the pride, the harder the fall. I sped through several of the stages of grief, all at the same time. Denial: Wait, did they just reject me? There must have been some mistake! Anger: But they barely even had time to look at my articles - that's not fair! Bargaining: Maybe I could ask them for another chance. Maybe I could send them some new, better articles. I could write one for free just to show them I've got what it takes. Depression: (I didn't have any comments for this part, just picture me, curled up in a ball on my bed.) Acceptance: Well, if they didn't want me, that's okay, I'll turn this into a learning opportunity and won't make the same mistake next time. Plus, I'll write a blog about it.

If nothing else, this proves that I'm not ready to write professionally. I don't have a very thick skin when it comes to my writing being criticized. It's hard not to take rejection personally, especially since they were rejecting me, personally. That's a skill that I'm going to have to develop alongside my writing skills. I listened to a writer's podcast last week that said the older and more well-read you are, the harder it is to begin writing, because you are so aware of how bad you are in the beginning, and it might stop you from writing. Young writers don't know how bad they are, and therefore they keep writing and getting better without those inhibitions.

I'm going to be okay. I'm still writing, after all, and maybe that can be my rallying point - They may not want to hire me, but they can't keep me from writing! So melodramatic, it warms my heart. At some point, I'll be able to shrug off piles of rejections; by tomorrow this will be ancient history, an amusing anecdote that I can replay during my Nobel Prize For Literature speech. But not today - today I need encouragement, consolation, and possibly some ice cream.