Things I Have Lost Since I Got Pregnant
1. My ankles. I now have what DH refers to as "cankles" - when the calf goes right into the foot without narrowing into an ankle. He says this in regards to a newly-skinny person who looks great except, as he says, the "cankles." He is reading this over my shoulder as I write, and took great offense to the fact that I said I have cankles - he says I'm not even close, we have to wait until you can't see the ankle bones anymore, which apparently you still can. He told me to erase where I said that I have cankles, and I said that I don't need an on-the-spot editor, but that I would clarify that this is my opinion, not his. Anyhow, it seems as though I have substantially less ankle than normal.
2. My waist and hips. It seems as though I go straight down from my armpits to my knees. This is going to get worse, as I'm sure at some point I will start to bow out at the sides, and end up similarly shaped to the younger brother from A Christmas Story, who is so puffy he can't put his arms down.
3. An innie belly button. Okay, so this might be more information than anyone cared to know about me, so if you have delicate sensitivities, feel free to skip this paragraph. No one told me when I got pregnant the first time that when your stomach starts to seriously fill out, your innie suddenly becomes and outie. I liken this unto a Thanksgiving turkey with a built-in pop-up timer. According to my belly button, I'm not quite done yet.
4. The ability to breathe consistently. I have never experienced the shortness of breath that other women talk about as a symptom of pregnancy, so in the interest of experiencing all things maternal, I got this blessed new symptom. (Heaven forbid I skip something that other people might go through! I think I'm headed for bed rest and possibly a c-section just so I can totally empathize with everyone else.) Anyhow, breathing is one of those things you just take for granted, until you stop. And just like all those other things you never appreciated until they were gone, being able to breathe all the time, without thinking, is the most beautiful thing I can think of. It doesn't take serious exertion to bring it on, either, I can just be lying in bed and all of a sudden start panting as if I had sprinted to bed in order to get the good side. So when that happens, I try to make myself breathe more normally. And I tell you, for something I've been doing every single minute of my life for the last 30 1/2 years, if you try to breathe, it's almost impossible. I try to take deep breaths, and I feel like my head is going to explode, so I try to take quick, shallow breaths, and I think I'll pass out. So what I need to do, when I can't breathe, is NOT think about breathing, and somehow my body just figures it out by itself. If it's smart enough to do that on it's own, why the heck was I gasping for air in the first place?
Things I Have Gained Since I Got Pregnant
1. 40 pounds. Some people don't gain this much during their entire pregnancy. But some people also don't consider a King Size Kit-Kat and a root beer a good bedtime snack either. DH's parents are visiting for the weekend and after church, Grandma and Boy #1 made peanut butter cookies. They sat on a cookie sheet on the kitchen counter while I cooked dinner later. Needless to say, I was almost too full to eat dinner. Hence the 40 pounds.
2. To go along with #1 above, an extra chin and knee dimples. My photography teacher takes pictures of the class at random to demonstrate certain principles (white balance, shutter speed, etc) and he happened to point the camera my way while I sat looking down with my chin(s) resting on my hand. Yikes! It is scary enough to see exactly what you look like, but it's even worse when it's projected on a giant screen in front of your whole class. I realize that no one else was looking at me, but still. I was shopping the other day and tried on a maternity skirt which was slightly above knee-length in the front, but longer in the back, and it was the first time I realized just how massive my legs have gotten. Why on earth do they make clothing this unflattering? If you're trying on a size XL, don't they realize that it means that you probably aren't a candidate for that super-short skirt or the top with extra-short short sleeves? I'm not going to buy this stuff anyhow, but you'd think out of courtesy they just wouldn't make clothes this unflattering in my size. Save me some time, folks, and make the revealing maternity clothes for the people you wouldn't gag if you saw them in it on the street.
3. A healthy appreciation for deodorant. Once again, here comes some personal info that you are more than welcome to skip. I'm generally not a sweaty person. Unless the amount of work I'm doing is fairly strenuous, I really don't sweat hardly at all, and I'd say body odor is something of a non-issue most of the time. (It'd be really handy for someone to be able to back me up on this, but I'll take my chances.) Anyhow, since I got pregnant, I've started sweating like an absolute maniac. I did nothing more strenuous than attend primary today, and it was enough to, well, let me just say, I would not have been the person raising your hand if you're Sure. Which brings me to my appreciation for deodorant, because I think it was not too noticeable, and I didn't smell, which I think I would definitely have noticed given my extra-attenuated sense of smell.
4. The ability to measure my body's heat output in BTU's. I walked into church today and it felt like the heat was on. Last week I was warm too, but this was a very noticeable difference in temperature as soon as I walked inside. I turned to DH and said, "Okay, it's definitely hot in here, right?" And he said, No, it's actually perfect right now. Fortunately, we happened to be sitting right under the vent or something, because a few minutes later I was able to stop fanning myself like a menopausal woman and enjoy the cool air. DH leaned over and asked if I could feel the air and I said yes, smiling. I'm thinking about marking that seat with a piece of chalk to remind me where to sit next week! He, naturally, said it was making him cold, so I put my arm around him and tried to convey my warmth onto him. He said, as a bonus, the more I show affection to him in public the more likely people are to assume he was not the cause of the injury to my face.